Deuces are Wild

I always fall for the taken girl. No matter how old I get, I never seem to learn. And when I say fall, well you guys know it’s to the ocean floor. The months from when I was fired to about Halloween had me really thinking about life and love and the whole gist of it. Now sure, it could also be due to the high amount of alcohol that’s been put into my system but I digress. During said months, I wrote two short stories both tying into one another and both about the events that transpired within those six months with a bit of a fictitious side to them. Things tend to go in a direction that we don’t quite understand and hell we never will. Sure it’s a real bitch once you get to a place where there’s nothing to do but reminisce. One day though you will end up with a sort of clarity and the shit that you spent endless hours thinking about will just settle down and you’ll be able to rebuild yourself. Now I won’t deny that I missed the “angel” a heavy amount throughout those months but knowing that she’s happy was what allowed me to finally move on. Like I said in my list of the things I learned. From a negative there will always be a positive after it.

            During these past couple of weeks, I’ve gotten to know this true beauty of a girl. She’s quite amazing and very down to earth. I’m glad we’ve been able to bond like we have and I feel that us together will be one incredible force of nature.  I won’t go into too much detail especially since I have a couple of other works going on. But I will say this, I couldn’t be happier than I am right now with her. And as far as the past goes, at least I can finally say that I had a first love and that I was able to fully experience what the word meant both good and bad. And if you think about it, it's not about your first love, its about your last one...

P.S. to all of my readers, get ready… 2013, I’m coming at you full throttle…

The Art of Learning

Things I learned this year:

·         Actions really do speak louder than words.

·         Being in love gives you an incredible boost of confidence.

·         That same love can easily tear you up inside.

·         Live life in the moment and worry about the pain later. The pain will be incredible and not all at once but short bursts.

·         The day you realize what is instead of what should be, is the day your dreams most likely shatter.

·         No matter how hard you try not to think about someone, the more you think about them.

·         Pain and a hurt heart are the perfect tools to a great written work of art.

·         Certain Love poisons the brain. The majority of the time however it can put cement over the cracks of your life.

·         You can only “save” a handful of people before you need to be saved.

·         Timing is everything, just how time will eventually heal all wounds.

·         No amount of alcohol can erase your memory; it will only subdue the images.

·         Chasing after someone who is taken is only about 50% effective, in the end they are taken for a reason.

·         You have to be a ruthless motherfucker to kill somebody. Even more ruthless to kill children.

·         Life is short, one day we are here and the next we are not. Make sure that you tell those you love that you love them on a daily basis.

·         Fate will always work towards your advantage if you let it.

·         From a negative there will always be a positive after it. 

See World

           First off, I am not one for violence. I do believe that unless you are being bullied and/ or verbally assaulted, you have the right to defend yourself. Like in the case of any domestic dispute, no man should ever put his hand on a woman. If it comes down to that I believe the woman should be able to use any means necessary to make herself safe. But when its crimes against innocent people, that’s when I can’t help but become incredibly pissed off. For instance, any shooting that has taken place over the last couple of years. The Aurora shootings for the midnight release of the Dark Knight Rises. The Oregon mall shooting that happened only a couple of days ago.

            But today, it was something completely different. The Connecticut shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary that took the lives of 20 children and 6 faculty members. Now, I heard about this when it first started at around 10 in the morning, like every other school shooting I didn’t pay enough attention to the details. When I saw that it was an elementary school and the body count kept rising due to kids dying that’s when I was just out of it. For one, you have to be a real sick motherfucker to take someone’s life. Two, you have to be an even sicker motherfucker to go to a crowded place and fire a gun. Three, it was bad enough that it was a school shooting but these were fucking little kids. 5- 10 year old kids, who didn’t know anything about life yet. Who were destined to become something. Who had many and many things to look forward to. But due to one soulless dickhead, that was all taken away. And people are immediately putting up the gun control issue and debating about what to do about it. Get your fucking head out of your assess, you’re sidetracking from the real fucking topic here. THESE WERE LITTLE KIDS!

            Because of one motherfucker, 26 different families’ lives are now ruined. That’s 20 different futures that were already destined, cut short cause of one scumbag. I seriously hope that this guy get’s destroyed for all eternity in hell. I also hope that Big Man upstairs has those 26 spirits within his reach and that all of their souls rest in peace.

(The news keeps saying that it was 27 victims, in reality they are counting the shooter as one of them. Well, I’m not…) 

That's How It Is/The Nice Guy Theory

            It’s weird. One minute so close while the next you’re but a mere dot in the past. Thinking and hoping for one thing and the exact opposite happens. No longer feeling that love that was once felt. It’s weird... People, usually men, say that nice guys finish last. Hell, I’ve said it myself from time to time. Emotions get intertwined and something happens that makes the nice guy oblivious to the one rule he wouldn’t break when it came to chasing a specific girl. Every guy has a different rule let’s just leave it at that. Happiness is key, you want peace and quiet, you better make sure you keep her happy. Often times, you’ll want her to be eternally happy even if that means that you’re not the reason behind the happiness. Even when the real reason is some other guy or some other thing. So it’s not the fact that nice guys finish last, it’s the fact that they usually don’t have any other choice but to finish last… 

Pride and Joy

         If you were to ask me to describe my dream girl, I wouldn't be able to answer. I've learned that you can’t be picky, when it comes to love. Your heart is going to fall for something and it will fall hard. Now, sure people want this color hair and that type of body and a whole bunch of other nonsense. Be happy with what is being thrown at you. You should be able to trust the person with your life and they should make you happier than you could possibly be. Don’t worry about a person’s outside, when it’s the inside that truly matters. Sure, in the past I used to be shallow only looking for a damn model not caring about intelligence or anything else along those lines. I've learned to appreciate women. To be attracted to both body and mind. Don’t get me wrong I’m still picky; I’m picky with other things though. If you have a great personality, you’re kind in heart, I’m able to have a three hour long conversation about anything with you, well that’s all I ask for. I choose to fall in love with one’s mind first then explore the body later. But Richard, any girl can fit your description. And you know what that’s very true; the catch however is very simple. A dream girl is one who not only matches all of those qualities but is able to turn dreams into a reality. I know I'll find her soon enough...

Unthinkable

        I don’t know what I’m capable of. Guess no one really knows how far their full potential is willing to go. I’m striving for perfection when in reality I know that I’ll never truly be perfect. When someone tends to push themselves harder and harder each day until they reach their desire; then they continue to push themselves to maintain that desire, I guess that’s what makes things perfect. Busting your ass day in and day out to live your life the way you want. Risks must be taken because let’s face it what is Life with no risk? The risk of rejection, emotional risk, psychological risk, these are all a part of us living. Life is worth nothing if you’re confined within an invisible bubble, scared of the obstacles that come with the territory. Life, as I have come to see it, is like a race. You have to run as fast as you can with the wind going against you. It may be hard but at least you’re able to enjoy the scenery. So like I said earlier I don’t know what I’m capable of. I’ve decided that I don’t want to live my life just half-assed, but to its fullest no matter how difficult it may be. No matter what decision I must make, whether it comes down to my job, my family, or my one true love. I just might do the unthinkable and surprise everybody...

The Hands of Fate keep Time on a Heart Shaped Watch

             Different, the feeling of Life at the moment. It feels as if something is out of wack, I can’t explain what it is though. I’m still highly motivated, I’m still very persistent, etc. Nothing about me has changed. I guess it’s because too many things are happening all at once. All good, bad, interesting, annoying, so on. I've learned from things that have happened in the past, that all bad things resolve themselves out and that all good things are worth fighting for. I've also learned that the world tends to throw things at us and not because we've asked for them but to test us. Some of us are given more than one test at a time, the reason being no one will ever truly know. They say that everyone’s fate is already determined. Whether you’re blessed with the chance to wake up in the morning is already destined and planned out for you. Life is only one, so why waste it? Yes, go out and take risks, try some new experiences but have some control and common sense. Don’t go out and punch a cop just because you can cause well that’s your ass. Enjoy life, make new friends, try something new, and be daring. I've learned that to be alive is sacred, we must cherish every moment. I also know, that those who are patient and are strong at heart are determined to be great, no matter how difficult life gets or how confusing it may seem, obstacles that get thrown at us can always be overcome…

All I Want Is

            Wrote this last Saturday on my actual birthday...

  

                  It’s that time of year again, when I get to think about how old I’m getting, how much has changed and what I should wish for before I blow out the candles. The thing I’ve wanted is so confusing yet so miraculous. Its value is immense and yet it costs no amount of money. It’s very near and dear to my heart. Now, I tend to claim it as my own but in reality it’s not. Which is why this gift might be the most difficult to get. It’s that special kind of gift you wish you had before anyone else because you know you can treat it with the love and affection it deserves. For those who have been keeping up, you already know what my heart desires. So what is my description of an Angel? They are quite rare and if you see one you must cherish and embrace them as long as humanly possible. So my gift, the one I want, the one I know would change everything forever is well my Angel. I want all of her: strengths, weaknesses, personality, laugh, smile, the big and little things she does, her confusion, her determination, her past, present, future, her goals, her pain, her joy, her everything. Most guys wouldn’t admit to wanting all of that from a girl but just like she knows and you as my readers know, I’m not like most guys. Out of every wish my mind could think of, I believe this is the one I truly deserve, the one that should be granted with no questions asked.

            Everyone deserves to be surrounded by loved ones on their special day, especially if the person you love is there to celebrate with you. Due to the shit that went down however, I feel like this gift will be even harder to get. I haven’t seen her in damn near three weeks and I’m expecting whatever force that “grants” wishes to just up and have her arrive at my doorstep late one night and have us just embrace, finally making sense of the shit we’ve been through. She’s the only gift I truly desire. And yet, I can’t help but wonder, do I really deserve such a gift? Also, is it more that I want her or that I need her? 

Losing It

           I’m starting to realize that I’m losing it. No explanation, no reason, no trying to deny it. I feel conflicted, emotional, and worried. I keep zoning in and out from anything I do especially when I’m writing. And it’s not what I’m writing about because I have one hell of an inspiration. It’s the fact that I’ll start with a sentence, zone out, and come to with a paragraph full in detail and very vivid. Food no longer has taste; anything I watch has me constantly thinking. It’s probably the reason why I’ve been writing like a maniac for the past couple of days. And even though everything is well written, I still can’t help but think that it’s all word vomit. Hell, maybe everything I’ve done over the years has just been word vomit.  Whatever the case may be, maybe this is how I write from now on, not fully knowing what I’m writing about until I have to read it to verify. You stare into my eyes and they appear glazed over. My expressions are blank with no true emotion behind them. All these things, all of my writing has tied together in more ways than one could describe. The drive and desire that once ran through me has slowly started to evaporate. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m looking for a job or again the fact that I haven’t seen her in what feels like an eternity. For once in my adult life, I can honestly say that I’m truly freaked out and not cause of the zoning out part but of what my subconscious is really trying to tell me…

Dark Knight Feeling/ I'm Wide Awake

            It was raining and you were cold and tired after a long day, but nothing could ruin this night. The images of emotion, evil, and heroism caught everyone’s attention. You kept cringing at the sight of innocents dying while I kept rubbing your leg assuring you that you needn’t be worried. Putting your head on my shoulder, I knew for a fact that comfort had fully settled itself into you, guess the couple of kisses to the forehead helped. A force in you decided to act on some urge and you grabbed my hand for what felt like hours but in reality was a couple of minutes, whatever the case it was wonderful. Towards the end while our hands were still together, something revealing immediately made me jump causing my hand to twitch which you found cute and made you smile. The adventure had ended, only to have another one begin. The drive home was quite a distance but felt short for some reason, we stopped at our hangout different location but still the same place. We went to your home and not the current one but the one before it. You showed me your baby, four paws and all. There was something about you that night, you seemed content, relaxed. I was so hyped with everything going on but I was still able to identify the high levels of happiness from within ourselves. We finally went home, my home, and we both got comfy still trying to figure out what the hell we just saw and how spectacular it was. You laid down and I simply just had to take a quick moment to take in the sight. I laid down next to you and the night ended with my arms wrapped around you and you silently falling asleep. As I watched you just fade away into dream world, I kept thinking to myself “how in the hell could I be so lucky?”

            I woke up but this time it wasn’t a dream, I actually woke up to you beside me. A smile hit my face, probably the biggest smile that I’ve ever had. Maybe it was the moment, the fact I wasn’t dreaming or the 4 hours of sleep I had, whatever it was it felt right. It felt as if nothing could ruin this morning. I brought in my puppy, all 3 of us just played around and cuddled for an hour or so. We finally got up, got ready and headed out for breakfast. When we came back, you were having a long conversation on the phone while I just sat on the bed of my truck and looked up at the sky. I knew that the whole saying goodbye for the time being part was going to suck. So finally you came towards me we hugged for a while, we kissed and you left to go to work. I paced in my mind back and forth between joy and sadness. And even though I was able to see you later that night, I still knew that as soon as I got home and went to bed, waking up in the morning was going to be brutal. Happiness only lasts a short while unfortunately. Which I didn’t fully realize until I woke up the next morning alone, wondering where the hell you went and why in the hell our perfect day had to end…

It's Like I'm Going Insane

          Maybe that’s why my chest has been hurting. I’ve been missing something out of the norm, something I was used to seeing on an everyday basis and since that has stopped I’ve been in physical pain. Now, it’s not severe pain but it is rather uncomfortable. It’s not the work out; it’s the missing link that’s not working out. I feel like I’m lacking in something, now sure it’s only been a couple of days but I’ll be damned if shit hasn’t changed. I thought I was crazy before; I’m mental cruising down to schizophrenic now. When I said that you changed me, I wasn’t joking. I’m a star but you’re the shine behind it and these past couple of days, I’ve been at my dimmest. The environment feels different, I FUCKING MISS YOU is spray painted on the walls in my mind. Hearts are painted all over with the biggest one including a bat-symbol in the center. My mind is racing, thoughts of you taking over at least 75% of it. My creativity now spews out without any true thought. I produce word vomit so raw that public speakers stare at me with a “what the fuck” look but it is not of disgust but astonishment. Like I’ve said in the past what I write, the images I paint can leave you breathless. I know that once the next embrace comes I will be inhaling every single moment as if it’s the oxygen we as human beings need to survive. No medications, no therapy, just words on a piece of paper. Now sure, I may be ranting on like a mad man but that’s because mad men are usually missing something. So call me mad, I don’t care because I am missing something… You. 

Design My Imagination

        Imagine waterfalls of the bluest water possible. A meadow of roses mixed with bees collecting the sweetest pollen. The world in sync and harmonious music filling the air. Goals being accomplished with every passing second. Fantasies/ Dreams being fulfilled. Happiness engulfing two beings that love each other and were put in front of each other not as obstacles but to journey together. Traveling the world and not just for business but to broaden their horizons, their minds, and their hearts. Two objects that hypnotize and prophesize achievements that are waiting to be achieved. Love is shown as projections from a projector for a project about the human emotion. Visions of a Savior savoring the moment when it comes time for him to save her. My imagination runs wild just by a mere glance of a true beauty. Unlike Medusa, stare into them and your life of success doesn’t seem frozen, for success is anything you believe it to be. My imagination runs wild and not from a smile but from beings higher up, you just have to stare, not at their color but within. For it’s not just the being that’s rare but the Eyes of an Angel that can provide you with miracles…

To Be Continued…

We Call Relationships Committed

        Kay Knudsen once said, “Love is missing someone whenever you’re apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you’re close in heart.” Talking with a friend, I came to the realization that I am not crazy for going after someone who is taken. The heart is a mysterious thing, just like the mind, we’ll never fully grasp its true nature or power. Over the past week things have changed. It kills me, the fact that over a little mess up, I no longer see my Angel on the regular. I think about her constantly, then again what else is new. We still talk but it’s not the same feeling. Not the same as actually hugging the person, talking to them face to face, joking around with them, wanting to kiss them so that for a split second there’s peace in both of your worlds. They say distance makes true love stronger and I have a feeling that’s very true. And as you know, this girl’s different from any of the others and she knows exactly why. So as I’m sure she knows, I’m not going anywhere. I may not be with her everyday and trust me, I’d use one of my 3 wishes to make sure I could be, but damnit I’m still her superhero. I’ll always be around to save her even if it meant that I have to sacrifice myself…

Still Need A Savior

Trying on the outfit, money on a band, The Savior sits lonely drawing hearts in the sand/

Is Fate procrastinating? How could a couple of wings change him?/

She loves him, he loves her more, but she also loves the original, the one she knew before/

Conflicted with a tough decision, one heart in a tug of war with two men, one on each end/

The Savior wishes he met her first, save her from the pain that hurts her mind and her heart, what matters in a race is the ending not the start/

Things are always complicated when love rears its head, everything can be jolly and apparently roses are always red/

Love is about sacrifice which the Savior knows a lot about, things have changed for him from how they were back then to how they are now/

He wants all of her, it would be his greatest present, he’d sacrifice his soul, just to be with her every second/

She does something to him that no one’s ever done, he can be himself with her, they make each other smile, both brighter than the sun/

He’s her shoulder, she’s his spine, all she would see is how happy she makes him if she looked inside his mind/

Mistakes have been made, things aren’t what he’s used to, used to see each other a lot, things changed and it sucks, misses her terribly it’s crucial/

He knows that it’ll be difficult, without her he’s miserable, don’t underestimate his love or what he feels for you/

The Savior stands waiting, thoughts contemplating, til his beauty decides, he will love her forever, she changed him like the weather, he’ll always be there to wipe the tears from her eyes…

I'm Gonna Push Thru

     Today I got a real world awakening. I was finally able to see the whole my actions are louder than my words thing put to the test. Today at work, one of my co-workers was being heartless in the sense that he was saying how he didn't care that one of my other co-workers was crying. She was crying due to it being a very rough week and also that her dad's anniversary was coming up on Saturday. I told him that he had to feel for her and how anyone in that situation would get emotional. So he immediately says that I love her because I'm defending her even when she's not there.  So as the day later passed, I walk in and the same co- worker is singing "Baby come Back" with the Baby line switched up, to basically mock one of our other coworkers. So I start laughing joining in on the fun and tell him he's a fool so he says "Okay Rich, I got something for you," and he starts singing Baby come Back but with the co-worker who was crying's name instead of Baby. Everyone starts laughing, hell even I start laughing. So I say "alright if that's how you want to play it," and punch him in the back and not even hard just a playful punch. So I continue smiling and walk away and he says "I bet it won't be funny if I punch you in the face." So I immediately look at him and go fuck it, let's go but I was completely messing around with him  I still had a smile on my face, I had planned to give him a handshake and a manly hug. He started walking to me all hard as if he was really going to hit me, my boss got in the middle and "broke it up." So he storms out and says, "you better watch your back Rich," my boss tells me to go to the back to cool off. After about a couple of minutes, I walk out with everyone asking me if I'm okay and my boss telling me to write down what happened and then to go home. So once home, I play the entire situation back in my mind and start getting pissed at not just myself but at the fact that once I start playing around shit has to get serious.
       For instance, the manager of the store messes around as well. Hell, one time I punched him hard as shit in the arm and we both laughed about it afterwards. So why is it that whenever I join the fucking party, everyone has to get all cool and tough and make everything all serious. So my boss calls me a couple of hours afterwards and tells me that she can no longer have me coming back to the shop. So I got fired, all over a little bit of bullshit. Now, am I upset, absolutely. Mainly at myself for letting the shit happen, but still I didn't mean it to go in that direction. But as my mother told me once I told her that I was let go, "you'll find something better, in life we are dealt with an uneasy load so we can learn to adjust to the surroundings and make the best of what we can." As I sit here I can't help but wonder a couple of things: 1) why was this decision made so sudden, 2) I wonder what my Angel has to say about any of this, and 3) I wonder what my dad would have to say about any of this...

Heavens or Temporary Forevers

          When the world turns crazy, you need to be able to find one solid thought and pray that it keeps you sane. What happens though when the thing that's supposed to keep you sane also drives you wild? This thought is amazing. It can immediately have you thinking positively and push you past the limit that you were daring to go. No words need to be said, hell the world can become silent and that would still be the highlight of your day. It should be able to pick you up when your down, change your entire outlook on life. Turn the rainy days into sunny ones, it should completely push you to do the absolute best that you can. Now, maybe your thought is not so complicated, maybe it's the same thought that gets me through my days. The intensity of the thought is how you choose to take on a certain task and whether or not the task is worth taking. This thought can be of a person. Going back to the crazy world, thinking of this person may help you with any tough decisions, it may help you decide what to do by the answer that they would give you were you to ask them the question on your mind. Like I said, whatever your thought is, it doesn't matter, as long as it helps you reach your full potential. For instance, my thought has helped me through very stressful moments both at work and home. Yet, it's one of the simplest thoughts in the world. One of the simplest things to picture in the world. A smile. How do our thoughts differ? Easy because mine isn't just any smile, it's her smile...

It's Something That's in Your Veins

The working man is going to have to work hard his entire life, sure he may take a couple of breaks here and there but that doesn't change the fact that work will still be there tomorrow. My great grandfather  met my great grandma as a young man who literally had nothing, not even a pair of shoes. But his power and will were so strong that from this he worked his ass off until his wife was in a gorgeous house, which he built, and they were financially hooked. My dad, with a high school education, provided for us like no other. He dug himself through so much shit for us to be able to have new clothes for school and to be able to take a family vacation. Now, I've experienced hard work and just how stressful it can be and it's a real bitch but the ultimate satisfaction of knowing that what you do makes other people happy is what should push you to continue working. The reason I work my ass off is not for right now, but rather for my future. I want my kids to see me and feel the same thing I felt when I saw my dad. I want that hard working title on my tombstone because even though it's not the hardest job, I still give my blood and sweat to make sure that at the end of the day, my future looks that much brighter...

Make Me Better

  Like a junkie looking for a needle, I have come to the terms that I need you, and not in a life or death but what to expect when all I think of...is...you. My mind paints vivid imagery while I fight a losing battle with my bed, for now my dreams are colorful and exciting when they used to be lonely and dead. Used to dream about the multiple mortality of my own sanity, when in actuality it was myself who was dying. I sat around drawing and designing pictures of death, despair, and all around hell. Now sure everyone's hell is different but hell is still hell. Went from being an artist with pictures to being an artists with words. With my writing, I'm able to tap into that part of the mind that develops  a scene from what is being read. I describe dreams so intensely that you, yourself will think you dreamt them. I obliterate your realistic point of view and switch it with something that cartoon characters would find hilarious and childish. Dreams of the apocalypse and of flowers turning into ash. My stories are those that depress, cause stress and just all around ruin your day. Why? No idea just cause that's how I felt whenever I was writing. Has that mood changed? Hell yes, now no longer despair but strength and power. I've become a poet, an intellectual dangerously delicious author whose work can make you lose yourself in thought. That Angel I've mentioned in the past, has changed who I was. If I was great by myself, I must be unstoppable with her by my side...

I Want To

I want to have sex and not sex but make love not with our bodies but with our words, take the time and peel back the layers while spilling out the feelings that deserve to be heard/
I want to observe you and watch you undress and not get naked but undress of the stress that fills up your day, sit back and ponder while mentally whispering "everything will be ok..."/
I want to get high and not with drugs but off of your love and everything you do, I'll sit back and relax, feeling that the worlds at peace, damn I'll have some more make it an ounce or two/
I want to cruise around in a cruise, around your entire body and not with my tongue or fingers but rather some paper and a pen, jot down every goose-bump and every emotion that leaks through your pores from within/
I want to grasp your soul and penetrate it ever so gently and not with my member but with my imagination and the pictures I've created, there's multiple things I want to do, first on the list is that I want you and believe it or not I have yet to explain it...

You've been through Hell and Back

Life ain’t always what it seems, the trials and tribulations never add up to the means, you feel that life is useless but let me tell you why you’re wrong

There’s potential for your future in everything that you do, you’re the strongest person alive even with all the shit you’ve been through, your heart is incredible and your emotions make you strong.

Now sure, shit gets thrown at you all at once, it usually doesn’t stop for a couple of months, your power and will are what keep you going even when you’re physically done.

We all fall down but rise once more, there will always be obstacles knocking at your door, when it comes to the point where your heart’s an open sore, look ahead at your future and you’ll see it was all worth it all along.

Life isn’t supposed to be this unfair, hiding behind the lies and the expressions that you wear, everyone is beautiful in their own special way

Realize that Diamonds are made under pressure, you have to dive all the way to the bottom to find the treasure, nothing is impossible you just have to break it down day by day.

Surround yourself with people who show nothing but love and affection, a support system that loves you for you not for the stuff you give them, people who will forever stick around and always make the bad go away.

A girl or guy who will always provide safety, a backbone to hold you up when life gets too crazy, a love that will shine even when the world becomes hazy, your own knight in shining armor that will help you win the race.

No matter how bad it gets, Life still goes on, flowers still smell as sweet and birds still sing a song, the moon will always shine, just like you because you’re a star.

When it will get better, no one really knows, like a sponge, life too is full of holes, we learn from our mistakes and people will always think less of you than what you really are.

Like I said we are all beautiful, from your eyes to your soul to that weird voice that you do, don’t let anyone break you down, for in life you can always go far.

Cherish every moment and laugh as hard as possible, Know you are never alone no matter how difficult the obstacle, Know that wherever you are, at least one person will be proud of you, Greatness is your final status and no one else can pass you because you’re the one who set the bar…

Pursuit of Happiness

Call me surreal, for I am a king, but not one of Royalty but of my own inner Majesty

Through my pen you see, through my art I speak, I describe the impact of death and disease

I envision the world with my eyes open and also keep the pictures running while you fall away to sleep.

For I am Sir Real, a King. But not one of Royalty but of my own inner Masterpiece

As time fades away, too little hours in one day, I try to keep the peace inside my mind

Love affects my Brain, Pride mixes with Pain, like I said there isn’t enough time

Sorrow and Agony fill this space; get me the hell out of this place, every star was meant to shine

My vision has been compromised, I don’t know where my kingdom lies, and Darkness covers up my eyes.

As I travel into the abyss, through mud, grime, shit, and piss, I hate where this going

I see a figure up ahead, looks old and gray and half past dead, terror in its voice it says “you’re scared and your body shows it”

It says “Im the other version of you, guess you can call me Number 2. Now to show you what to do, gonna show how your dreams came true but first you must ingest this"

I drink a bottle labeled Happiness; it’s sour and smelly but goes down quick. I feel so dizzy, what is this shit. Number 2 says “don’t worry but your gonna hate where this is going”

Memories of the past, tears stroll down my cheek and I laugh, “Wait” says number 2 “there is still more to come”

He begins to show me how my dad died, images of the sorrow and the times I cried, “it wasn’t happiness I lied” number 2 says with a grin “and I’m not even done”

He then shows my kids and wife, from misery to joy, it feels like another life. I scratch and claw but I lose this fight, number 2 says “calm down the fun has just begun”

“Your misery will always be, never lonely cause you’ll always have me, I will annihilate your mind and your soul and you have no where left to run”

I wake up it was just a dream, everything is fine not what it seemed, “I wouldn’t be so sure of that,” a voice says from up above

I’m not done with you yet, I’m still inside of you what else did you expect, I’m taking your family, your friends, and everyone else that you love

Fuck your mentality and your goal for greatness, Karma’s a bitch and she’s the only one you’ll have a date with, I shall crush your entire well being cause they say “Enough is never Enough

I’ll make you squeal and beg, you’ll wish that you were dead, welcome to your capital punishment, meet the twins Push and Shove

Do your worst I’m going to stand my ground, My supporting cast will pick me up if I fall down, fuck you and your twins, let the game begin

I have my friends and family, an Angel who protects my heart from anything bad that happens to me, try your game of insanity, my life will not go down in sin

I’m motivated to reach my goals, Success is the key to what my future holds, Determination and Passion are the guides for these roads, and your plan is wearing thin

Just face it number 2 you’re done, your plan was fucked from the beginning I won, introduce your brain to some bullets and a gun, try and see what happens if you fuck with me again

Like I said I am surreal, a king, but not one of Royalty but of my own inner Majesty

Determination and Passion are my armor; an Angel protects me as I sleep

I would take every displeasure of the world to keep it at peace

For I am Sir Real, a King, but not one of Royalty but of my own inner Masterpiece

Wish I Was Average

Reminiscing over my past crushes/ loves, I've come to realize one thing...I had no idea as to what the hell I was feeling. Now sure, some of said crushes have had their own posts but even then now that I look back at it, was it really love? Let's face it, as a hopeless romantic, I tend to want what I want when I can get it. So if I'm attracted to you and I have a shot then by golly, I shall try my best. Even then however, I don't think any of these girls were the real L status, they were mainly obstacles that my heart had to go through in order for it to grow stronger and ultimately fall into the hands of that one goofy Angel that's been in my life for the past couple of months. Now, you may be asking "Richard, what makes your angel different then any of the girls from your past?" Well, here's the thing about angels. They are quite rare for those who actually believe in them. So if you happen to see one, you have to embrace them and cherish every single second they spend with you for true beauty is incredibly hard to find. Sure this angel has had an intense life, from her childhood all the way to right now, and you want to know the weird thing about it? I would gladly give up my sanity and health to take all of her darkness and switch it with nothing but joy and happiness. So you know why I say that those past moments don't count because none of them felt like this. Dr. Seuss once said," When you are in Love, you can't fall asleep because your Reality is better than your Dreams." I guess that's why whenever she graces me with her presence, I never want that moment to end...

I Would Surely Break The Lock...

     I dreamt that I woke up in my room, in my bed but the stress of the world was all gone. Now, perhaps it was because I woke up in the Bahamas or maybe it's due to the fact that she was the first thing I saw. Now, whenever I have an incredible dream and wake up from it, I get pissed, like I'm sure a lot of you do. When it comes down to me, Determination and Passion go hand in hand. You have to love what you do and be able to love it for the rest of your life. For instance, I am passionate about writing therefore determined to become a successful writer. I think that's one of the traits that people love about me, the effort and heart I put into making sure my future is a success. I have a great supporting cast when it comes down to my future. My family and a handful of friends. However, you never fully appreciate someone until you remember how they got into your life in the first place. If you recall, an Angel was sent down and embraced me with her love. My love for her continues to grow stronger as I believe hers grows stronger as well. She pushes me to be better than what I am. She once told me, that I was destined for bigger and better things. This Angel came into my life for a reason, without her I'm not sure if I would be the way I am right now. Now sure, she's on my mind constantly and I wish I could spend every minute with her but I have to take what I can get. What I do know is that, I'm very blessed to have her in my life. She's my best-friend, my great love, and the keeper of my heart. Determination and Passion go hand in hand, the reason I know this is because that dream that I spoke of, will definitely come true. Not now, or tomorrow, but Time as we know is a mystery. Maybe it won't be for a couple of years before this dream turns into a reality but even then does that not mean we can't enjoy the ride and each other's company while we wait...

Everything That Shines Ain't Always Gonna Be Gold

The great Thomas Wayne once said," Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." Life as you may know, has been the topic of a lot of my posts so today shall be no different. Life tends to throw certain things at you from time to time, hell sometimes everything at once. The way we deal with it, is the way we'll be able to finally be satisfied with our lives. Now, there comes a point in life where we immediately shut down and have to basically just sit and figure out the decisions that will effect our present and our futures. I am a fond believer that Emotions are not a weakness, rather they make you stronger as a person. I used to be the type of person that would bottle up every little thing just so no one would know something was wrong, once I learned to release all this built up rage and sorrow, it started making my life easier to deal with.  We all have an inner demon working within the confines of our minds, the demon is the one that listens to our problems the most because while we're handling the shit outside of our minds, he's working at the front desk on the inside. This little bastard is tricky however, if he tends to not like a current situation, he'll start filling your mind with all sorts of mixed signals. For instance, after my dad passed away, I was an emotional wreck.   How can I prove that, well if your reading my blog, you know its true. That's when my demonic side started coming out. That's when I started cutting classes, started lashing out towards my family and friends. I became completely depressed and obsolete, it almost came down to the point where I wanted to see a shrink just to see what the hell was going on. But I learned that my demonic side was always going to be a part of me. Hell , to this day he still pops up. I'm usually a happy, go lucky guy but on those days where my emotions are on my sleeve, that's the negative side of me walking around while my nice guy side stays on the sidelines.
    Happiness and Time are the keys to everything. There is always a choice when it comes down to making a difficult decision. If the choices all make you very happy, then that is where your future comes into play. Which choice is the best for your future? Maybe choice A makes you very happy but you don't really see yourself enjoying it a couple of years from now, then that makes choice B your final decision. Because it makes you happy and will continue doing so. Now sure, it may take some time to decide on the choices and it will slowly destroy you from the inside out. But when your old and gray, looking back on your life and realizing that your life may have been hard, you'll realize that the ultimate choice you made was well worth the wait...
          

What You Feel Ain't Easy To Deal With

              The mind is a glorious yet terrifying thing. It'll make you forget certain things for a split second and it'll fill your head with happiness and joy and then turn around and bitch slap you with the certain things all over again. It's been one week. One week since I fucked up something wonderful. One week since I drank/ cried myself to sleep, to wake up as if nothing happened, then remembered my actions and felt as if the weight of the world completely crushed me. A couple of days ago, I hung out with her after work. It was her, myself and a couple of friends. Earlier that day however, she told me about the passing of one of her cousins, which made me feel bad not even wanting to know how she was feeling. I mean this girl does so much and it's like the world says "FUCK IT," and piles on every little thing on top of her. I destroyed her heart and soul, he crushed her heart, her best friend left, her cousin passes away, etc. So I decided to show up so we could talk, you know just to be there as a friend. Gotta start off slow after you jeopardize your trust with the person you love. So we're sitting near her car, talking about life, love and anything else we could think of. I ask to put my head on her lap and she gave me a thumbs up and well let's just say her legs are mighty comfy better than my pillow and I love my pillow. So we start to play Never Have I Ever and the Truth game, which has me sort of pinned down due to the fact that I know stuff about her and she knows some stuff about me, so I basically shot myself in the foot and revealed to our friend that I was still a virgin. I'm not ashamed of it, hell I barely give a damn, I look at it as a turn on now. It's an invitation to basically do whatever the hell you want to me, certain limits still apply though. So all of us start getting emotional talking about relationships and she lays down on her back. She grabbed my hand and put it on her bare stomach and damnit, wouldn't you know it but the mood was just perfect. I started rubbing her stomach even played with her belly button piercing, almost went as far as kissing her multiple times on her stomach but that might have lead to other things.

                  There was something in the air that night that just made me and possibly made her forget about the things that happened that week. We held hands, I rubbed her knee forgetting that she was sunburned resulting in my hand getting slapped, and she even gave me a short but sweet scalp massage. The night ended with her saying bye to our friend and us just hugging for a couple of minutes not saying anything just letting the embrace do all of the talking for us. We ended with a couple of texts back and forth basically saying how amazing the night was and how I wanted it to last forever. That night gave me a slight hope that things will become better, time has got to run its course first. In reality, I believe she's still conflicted with the decision of letting me back into her heart. I don't blame her like I've said in the past, I did her wrong and I deserve any bad shit coming to me. I've always said that Love is a power that could easily beat out any other feeling. I guess that's why I'm still fighting for her. The love I feel for this girl is surreal, she makes me strive to be a better man, therefore being a better person for her. She's on my mind constantly and I mean from the moment I go to sleep, to when I wake up, to when I have to go back to sleep. I know the thing she admires the most about me is my dedication and my passion towards her. Now, her trust in me will probably always be questioned but the fact that she's still talking to me as if nothing happened has got to mean something... Right? 

...Then You Give Me Back My Life

       Someone once said, "Relationships are like crystals, you don't realize how much you love it until it breaks." So I was actually dreading going into work this week, due to the fact that I would see her there. Monday came along and I was just completely out of it. My heart physically hurt, my gut kept telling me "you fucked up man," and my brain was just out of the building. It came down to the point where I was messing around with a box-cutter and wanted to test its sharpness by slicing my left arm. Just a couple of cuts here and there, a little blood never hurt anybody. The thing that calmed me down however was the fact that we were texting each other again. I told her everything that was happening at work and I could somehow feel that she was worried about me, which made me feel confused seeing as how I destroyed her heart a few days before. Anyways, Tuesday comes and she shows up and wouldn't you know it but she showed up in glasses. Now I knew the make-up she was going to put on considering she let me pick out her colors, something she would let me do before all of this stupid shit happened. When I saw her, a smile immediately hit my face, cause well if you've been keeping track I FUCKING LOVE A GIRL IN GLASSES. So Tuesday, we act like if nothing too bad happened but deep down it's killing me. I know her feelings for me, remain the same but now she doesn't trust me. She trusts the feelings I have for her and she doesn't blame me for what I did, she's just scared that if we do end up together that I'll do the same thing and just obliterate her heart.
         They say we learn from our mistakes and it's true. I don't blame her for not trusting me, I crushed her and I deserve a lot worse. The thing that pissed me off the most however was the fact that her best friend told me that she was going to end up leaving him due to the fact that she couldn't handle all of his nonsense. So I instantly just fell apart because if she would've told me what was going down, I wouldn't have done what I did and hell I wouldn't be writing this at all, or maybe I would but it would be completely different. Certain things happen for a reason, maybe this is one of those certain things. Maybe this had to happen in order for us to become stronger as individuals, now if I could take it back I wouldn't even think twice about it. I'm still fighting though, I told her straight up "I will fight the army of hell, if you need me to..." Now, I don't know what the future holds for her or myself. I want her to be happy, plain and simple. If she decides to choose me, I know it'll take a while before she fully trusts me and that's alright. My job is to forever make her smile and when I have a job I get it done, it may take me a couple of tries but she brings out the best in me. Because what I feel for this girl isn't just a simple crush or a like, it's Love...

You Were the Pistol to my Holster...BANG!

  Someone once told me, "Love is complicated, if you love someone enough you have to let them go and if it was meant to be, they'll find their way back to you." I let her go... In a split second, I went from loving her to breaking her heart. It was eventually going to happen seeing as how she's in a committed relationship. The pain that my heart went through would've stayed the same regardless of the time this gut wrenching tragedy happened. The reason I chose to end it was the fact that our whole situation wasn't fair to the three people in it. I did it so she could choose her own path, I want her to be happy no matter what the outcome is. Whether she chooses to stay with him or end things due to her feelings towards me. I never meant for her heart to suffer, my feelings for her will forever stay the same. Hell, I could love her for a lifetime and maybe more and deep down in her heart she knows that. As I sit here with deep thoughts and watery eyes, I guess the only thing left to say is an angel was sent down from Heaven to show me what true love really was and I let her foolishly slip through my grasp. As I finish this off with the heaviest of hearts, I hope that the happiness she does find is eternal. My heart still hopes that in the end she'll choose me but I'd much rather have her be in the embrace of a man who can always make her smile and provide for her while I sit in the stands, slowly succumbing to madness...

P.S. I never meant to hurt you, my love for you will always stay the same...

And My Mind is All...

Chinese Philospher Lao Tzu once said, "Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart, and the senses." Tying into the poem I wrote, I'm starting to get frustrated with the fact that I broke the one promise I told myself wouldn't happen when it came down to my feelings towards this girl. I kept telling myself, "be careful man, don't get in too deep, she's taken and you won't be able to change her mind..." Now, I'm grown, I can admit when I make a mistake. The problem is, is that my head is going left while my heart is going right. My head keeps trying to send my heart messages that my heart just shrugs off like if nothing happened. The thing I like the most about this entire situation is that I make her happy. She's told it to me and to her friends, she's specifically said that I have a special place in her heart. She already knows how I feel about her, hell just by her sending me a good morning text my day is automatically great. Last night for instance, we went and got a late night meal at around 1 a.m. We sat in my truck and talked for a couple of hours, messing with each other which technically meant she drew on my arm. When it came time for us to say goodbye, we had a quick staring contest which I won, if you ask her however she'll say otherwise.
As a prize, I asked for a kiss. She sent me a text the night before saying that she was going to give me one, which kind of bummed me out. But when we finally hugged and kissed, I don't know but it's like nothing fucking mattered. Like the embrace that we had for that split second evaporated all other things in the world. It was such a feeling that on the drive home, I kept asking myself if it happened, that's how my mentality works. If something surprising happens and it's a very good thing, I immediately question its realism. Now I don't know if her feelings for me will ever change, they could grow or they could just stay the same. My feelings for her however, aren't going to change for quite some time which I guess is a good thing but is ultimately resulting in the outcome that has happened to me many times in the past, which is wanting something I can't ever have...

Beautiful Distraction

My first attempt at writing a heartfelt poem so bear with me...

This is the story of the girl with passion in her heart

Her brain is full of emotion and her soul is a work of art

Her eyes look like diamonds and her smile will cause a spark

She’s a Beautiful Distraction and that’s my favorite part

Now this girl is goofy and flirty but she has determination

She’s witty and childish and probably the world’s best creation

Her body’s a temptation, thick in the perfect location

But what upsets me the most is the fact that she’s taken

It’s not a big deal; she’s in my life for a reason

The dude she’s with is cool, but I kind of wish I could be him

I wish I had met her in the past, could’ve changed things like a season

We’re almost the same person, 1 soul in 2 beings

We both lost our dad’s and we have crazy emotional damage

Heart-broken so many times, there’s not enough space for all the baggage

I lend her my ears whenever she needs someone to talk with

Kind of sucks wanting something but can’t really have it

My emotions for this girl are all over the place

She’s awesome to be around and keeps a smile on my face

But that ring on her finger will ultimately make me think straight

So I guess I can add this to my “what could’ve been" pile on the giant list of Fate…

I'm A Hostage In My Own World

           College students, present and past, have always questioned their choice in majors. Some of them decide that the current major does not suite who they are so they decide to change it. Now sometimes, this goes very smoothly with rarely any problems. Other times however, a change in major, fucks up all of the progress that you had going on, causing you to start from scratch which ultimately causes you to fully realize the mistake you made. Now, I originally had planned to become a Graphic Designer. As an avid video gamer, I always wanted to work for a company as a designer just to one day create my own game. But during the course of one class, that completely changed my entire outlook on the whole Graphic Design field. Now, don't get me wrong, I love art and every use of the word. Everybody is an artist. For instance, my father had his very own Landscaping company. His art was to make old shitty looking houses into insanely beautiful masterpieces. I would know, because I helped him with my house and my aunts house. Now, some Art buffs may be mad at me for this but I could care less. The class that ultimately led to me changing from Graphic Design to English, was Art History. Now, perhaps it was the fact that the class was during  a summer semester which meant that it was shorter but at a much faster pace. Or it could have been the fact that my professor was a Bitch and basically turned our exams into a giant cluster-fucked rubix cube. Whatever the case, I just remember walking into the classroom and thinking I'm a modern artist, why the hell do I need to know about some old ass clay statue that was made in 600 B.C.
             Now don't get me wrong, when I switched my major I did the right amount of research to make sure that I wouldn't have to start completely over. I was right but only to a certain degree. What I wasn't told and perhaps certain college students can agree with me is that the academic advisers would fuck up more times than a hooker on the ceiling (get it, cause you Fuck a hooker and she's Up on the ceiling...) Anyways, due to the advisers screwing with me so many times, it became certain that I would remain at this horrible excuse for a community college for the rest of my life. Now that I end what's felt like 20 semesters at this damn place, I am pleased to say that I am not that far away from my ultimate goal of graduating and getting the hell out of there. The ultimate pain and sorrow of knowing that I wasted money and a very great amount of time will probably remain with me for many years to come. So I guess the greatest piece of advice I can give to any college students thinking about switching majors and/or any students who are about to go into their first semester of college is, be smart with your choice. Make sure that is the academic path you want to pursue. Also, make sure that what you choose makes you happy, because there is no point in trying to accomplish the major that get's paid the most if your going to be miserable for the rest of your life. And finally, don't fight the system. Sure you can switch your major more than one time, but in the end the only one who will look like a fool is you...

New Day

I wrote this back on my dad's 3 year anniversary.

 It's been 3 years since we last saw each other and sure I can be sad about it but I've decided that being sad wouldn't make you happy. So what I've decided to start doing from now until the day we finally get to see each other again is to not mourn your death but celebrate your life. I want to thank you for being such a wonderful teacher, an incredible friend, a hard worker, and one of the greatest people to have ever been in my life. Because of you, I am able to hold my head up proudly whenever I get a compliment like "You look just like him..." I Love You Pop, I miss you everyday, and Thank You for everything. I end with my favorite quote, "Perhaps they are not stars but rather openings into Heaven where the love of our lost ones shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." (June 16, 1967- February 7, 2009)

Forever Never Seems That Long Until You're Grown

Tying up with my previous post, I believe that everything I do will compliment my future. I believe that since I have become highly dedicated with this whole writing thing that in the end it will completely pay off. If you remember from one of my previous posts, I had a dream a couple of months ago when I decided to start writing my book, that I was on one of those morning talk shows. I looked a couple of years older, in my late 20s early 30s, and I was promoting my book. And I could feel it, the cover, the spine, I flipped through it and there they were every single word that I had written from the very beginning. That dream is what made me decide to fulfill my destiny and that dream is also why I began writing on a regular basis. Now, when it comes to the law of attraction I'm a pretty big skeptic. I believe that things happen for a reason and there's no way that we can avoid some of the shit that happens in our lives. But, deep down in my heart I know that this whole project I have going on, this whole way of life that I have been challenged with, will give me the satisfaction of knowing that I was able to do something positive and make a difference in the world. Now, am I saying I'm going to rid the world of disease or stop crime, no but what I will most likely end up having an effect on is that person who has had a rough couple of days. They'll pick up my book and realize that they are not alone, that through the power of reading and writing, emotions can be settled and dealt with in other forms other than physical action. They'll be able to realize what I have realized, that the Pen truly is mightier than the Sword...

What Am I Doing Here?

 At least once in our lifetime, we've all asked the question "What am I doing here?" What is my purpose in life? What is my main goal for the future? What is the meaning of my existence? And I've come to that part of my life where I too, have been asking myself these questions. Now sure, certain people read this and think, "oh he's suffering from suicidal thoughts." That is not the case here, it's just that obstacle through life  I guess. My main question is, what will my future hold for me? I tend to have these really vivid visions of me sitting by a beach in a very beautiful house, basically living the high life. Then again, I've also had dreams that I have witnessed my death over and over again, where it has come to the point that I can see myself in my own coffin. The thing that scares me the most and this is going to sound weird, is that I'll end up dying way before this book is ever finished. Like, my demise will ultimately lead to the demise of all of this hard work and dedication and my ultimate goal of having this book become some form of a guideline for young adults be just a speck of dust.  So I guess I should prepare myself for anything that the roller coaster of Life will throw at me, for the meantime however I still have quite a bit of things to learn besides your only young once...

Big Brother

It's been a couple of months since I've last written any thoughts or emotions down. So I decided to go back and start from the Heart. And what has your heart more than Family. Anthony Brandt once said, "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." Now, as you all may know, I have an older brother, his name is Jaime. We grew up six years apart but he's been there for me since the very beginning. In fact I believe my life is in debt to him due to the fact that before I was born my parents wanted a little girl, but he said he wanted a little brother to play with. And damnit, wouldn't you know it, here I am. They say family is that one grasp in this world that you can most definitely count on and it's damn true. My brother is a mentor, an inspiration, a friend. He's the person that can help me out in any situation at any moment. Whether it comes down to girls, career, school, sex, etc. I guess I'm fortunate, I know multiple people that don't have that kind of special bond with their sibling(s) or that are the only child in their family. So I guess I just wanted to say that I'm very grateful for having an older brother, I always have been. So if you have siblings or friends that are so close that ya'll could damn well be siblings, don't let them go, because I wouldn't trade mine for anyone else in the world.