What You Feel Ain't Easy To Deal With

              The mind is a glorious yet terrifying thing. It'll make you forget certain things for a split second and it'll fill your head with happiness and joy and then turn around and bitch slap you with the certain things all over again. It's been one week. One week since I fucked up something wonderful. One week since I drank/ cried myself to sleep, to wake up as if nothing happened, then remembered my actions and felt as if the weight of the world completely crushed me. A couple of days ago, I hung out with her after work. It was her, myself and a couple of friends. Earlier that day however, she told me about the passing of one of her cousins, which made me feel bad not even wanting to know how she was feeling. I mean this girl does so much and it's like the world says "FUCK IT," and piles on every little thing on top of her. I destroyed her heart and soul, he crushed her heart, her best friend left, her cousin passes away, etc. So I decided to show up so we could talk, you know just to be there as a friend. Gotta start off slow after you jeopardize your trust with the person you love. So we're sitting near her car, talking about life, love and anything else we could think of. I ask to put my head on her lap and she gave me a thumbs up and well let's just say her legs are mighty comfy better than my pillow and I love my pillow. So we start to play Never Have I Ever and the Truth game, which has me sort of pinned down due to the fact that I know stuff about her and she knows some stuff about me, so I basically shot myself in the foot and revealed to our friend that I was still a virgin. I'm not ashamed of it, hell I barely give a damn, I look at it as a turn on now. It's an invitation to basically do whatever the hell you want to me, certain limits still apply though. So all of us start getting emotional talking about relationships and she lays down on her back. She grabbed my hand and put it on her bare stomach and damnit, wouldn't you know it but the mood was just perfect. I started rubbing her stomach even played with her belly button piercing, almost went as far as kissing her multiple times on her stomach but that might have lead to other things.

                  There was something in the air that night that just made me and possibly made her forget about the things that happened that week. We held hands, I rubbed her knee forgetting that she was sunburned resulting in my hand getting slapped, and she even gave me a short but sweet scalp massage. The night ended with her saying bye to our friend and us just hugging for a couple of minutes not saying anything just letting the embrace do all of the talking for us. We ended with a couple of texts back and forth basically saying how amazing the night was and how I wanted it to last forever. That night gave me a slight hope that things will become better, time has got to run its course first. In reality, I believe she's still conflicted with the decision of letting me back into her heart. I don't blame her like I've said in the past, I did her wrong and I deserve any bad shit coming to me. I've always said that Love is a power that could easily beat out any other feeling. I guess that's why I'm still fighting for her. The love I feel for this girl is surreal, she makes me strive to be a better man, therefore being a better person for her. She's on my mind constantly and I mean from the moment I go to sleep, to when I wake up, to when I have to go back to sleep. I know the thing she admires the most about me is my dedication and my passion towards her. Now, her trust in me will probably always be questioned but the fact that she's still talking to me as if nothing happened has got to mean something... Right?