Everything Was Much Easier

You know when things started changing when electronics got too advanced... who remembers when we had to blow on the game cartridge just to get the damn thing to work? When liking a singer meant actually buying their shit not just downloading it online. When cartoons had a meaning whether it was bugs bunny tricking elmer fudd or tom trying to kill jerry, not making a 30 minute episode about some "adventure time." When musicians actually had talent, when there were groups like nsync and backstreet boys and not justin bieber, when snoopy d-o-gg and dr. dre were the men in charge and not waka flocka's bitch ass. When we didn't worry about school, just took naps during kindergarten and played during recess. When all we worried about was getting home after school to watch the new power rangers episode. When we didn't have to worry about getting a job, paying for food, buying our own clothes. We didn't have to worry about stress at all during our childhoods, if something bad happened we didn't get it so it didn't effect us. Now all hell breaks loose if one little thing goes wrong. Time, allows you to do wonders when you get older but it also takes away all the memories and feelings that used to make you who you are. People always wonder why I still watch cartoons from when I was younger, why I watch old movies, why I research old stuff on youtube. My reason for this is because Time has changed me, by watching things from my past, I want to hang onto it as much as possible. Keeping things from my past, saves me for atleast a tiny moment from the hell that now consumes me. My past is my simpler time, when things were exactly how they were supposed to be and not how they now are... 

My Heart is Connected to the Ink in my Pen

What do women want? Nobody knows because women are magician's. They show you affection and kindness, they make you think many things are easily possible. Just when you feel fully satisfied, they take out the rabbit from their hat and all hell breaks loose. As a man, Women are a very confusing subject but then again I'm pretty sure us guys are confusing to women too. Men however are easily satisfied with whatever you give them, women on the other hand you have to work your ass off just to impress them, let's not even mention trying to get a date. So what do they really want? What do they look for in a man? They want a man whose caring and loves to talk about his feelings and cuddle, hell no. They like a jerk, an asshole, the type of guy that will easily bang one of his girl's girlfriends. Does it only work for certain guys though? I mean sure I can act like a jerk to an extreme amount but considering I already have a complex as the sweet guy that listens, when I act like an ass, girls become too damn sensitive."Why are you being this way?" What way damnit, oh you mean like all your past boyfriends? Well I thought that if I acted like them then maybe I could get you. No, just act like yourself, that was my fucking problem in the first place. One day you'll get a girl that's lucky to have you, that by far is the worst damn thing you could ever tell a guy. Cause the guy isn't thinking about one day, he's thinking about right now. "Just be patient, she'll come, it takes some time." Well time better hurry its ass up cause Patience when teased is often transformed into Rage...

Bullet and A Target

Why do we worship celebrities? Is it because they inspire us to show our full potential? Does it become an obsession if we literally fall in love with one? The idea is ridiculous though, why fall in love with a celebrity, you don't know anything about them. Sure you've seen them in movies, heard some of their music, read a book or a magazine article about them. Is all of this worth the love though? I mean sure we all have our little celebrity crushes, hell I have about like 20+ but still, today I came to a conclusion. I found my ideal girl in Kate Voegele. She is a singer, not very popular, hell I just found out about her from watching One Tree Hill and also my cousin has met her a couple of times. What about her has my mind spinning, what makes her different then all of my past crushes? I don't know that's the thing, she's a great singer, her personality is off the charts, she's incredibly beautiful and let's face it, she's thick in all the right places :). But if I were to come face to face with her, I'd be stuck because you never think that day is going to happen. You never think about the day you get to meet a celebrity your crazy about. But, is it really the celebrity or the idea of them? Should we aim for a target that we could actually hit? If we can't get the "celebrity" should we just settle for our own versions of them. Maybe not get Kate but get a girl with all of the amazing qualities that she possesses. Would it still be enough to satisfy our desire? To me, it wouldn't... I'd be more...

I'd Like You To Meet My Wife, Oh Honey!

We often tend to go with our natural instincts on things. Met this guy today that must've been getting an anal raping every night. He wanted to have a screaming contest over nothing! And by nothing I mean a little door-door contact. It was a tap, a friendly handshake amongst those of the door-kind. And what did this moody little bitch do, he decides to get out of the car and start bitching and complaining to my grandma and mom. Even goes to the point of calling my grandmother retarded and a drunk. So here I come in acting like a smart ass but with the winning end of the verbal beat down. He starts talking all Mr. PhD in physics and all I did was clap and congratulate him. So what kind of shitty day/week/month have you had to up and freak the fuck out when something little happens? I mean my life in the previous months has been some shit but I wouldn't act like a total bitch just to prove a point. My blood was boiling after our little spat, so much so that I was shaking but cause I wanted to whoop that ass. I guess things tend to happen to those who have been bad and/or have done bad by others. So I want this man to meet my lovely lady, her name is Karma and she's a real bitch. I love this girl, she's talented at what she does, if you treat her well then she'll reward you with multiple delights. Double cross her and she'll personally, emotionally, and psychologically fuck you in every uncomfortable position invented by man. So this guy better prepare himself, he's got the biggest fucking of his life coming to him, he better put on a wet-suit, it's gonna be an uncomfortable ride...

One Small Step For... No One

You know they say don't judge a book by its cover. If you had to though, what would my cover have on it? Nice guy, good listener, good smile, etc etc. But would this book get sold to the proper group of readers? Hell No, do you know why? It's because no one wants to read anything generic. Especially when it comes to a specific group: Good looking, Athletic, Asshole. These are the words that appeal to today's society of women. The "It's okay if he treats me like shit, as long as he has a nice bod," type of group. It's all nonsense if you ask me, sure I may be eating some sour grapes but it's true. Why go for the jock who you know will cheat on you? Why not the nerdy band geek who will treat you right? But I guess it's just the balance of things, the chain of command. The rich and powerful are destined for riches and power. The hardworking business man who started from the ground up is still going to have to work his ass off, even though he's been working his entire life. The hopeless romantic, will certainly have a couple flings, but he will remain romantically hopeless. "Maybe if I was a jerk to girls, instead of being nice and speaking kind words. Then maybe it would be okay to say then, that I wasn't a good guy to begin with." Everything comes down to stepping on the moon's surface because sure you'll make history but that history that you thought would change your life, it did but sooner or later it will disappear and it will certainly become history...

Something In Nothingness

A dream is defined as a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep. It is something of an unreal beauty, charm or fancy. But do dreams define us? Because you dream of fast cars and lots of cash, does that mean that you are destined to become rich and powerful when your older? What if you dream of emptiness? For example, I've often dream't that I am headed home to a world I once knew, but when I arrive my house is empty. No furniture, no paint, even the lights seem to of vanished. So would this dream, be considered a dream? Or does it fall under the torturous nightmare category? Does a dream define us? Does it tell us how we are going to live our lives and if it does, then how are you to remember? Dreams tend to become forgotten after the first couple of minutes you wake up. Then why do Nightmares, live with you forever? You remember them as if they stole a part of your soul and every time you close your eyes, it's like your fighting to get it back. I read somewhere that, "History, is a nightmare from which I am trying to wake." Because we make history everyday, even though we can't feel it, does that mean that our nightmares rule our world? Do Nightmares Define Us?

Like A Man Possessed

Things haven't been as bad as they once were. Does that mean that I'm simply just being teased by a greater force? A force that knows my weaknesses, my strengths, my life from the biggest event to the shirt I wore on my first day of school. A force that takes the evil as well as gives it to you. Something/Someone that looks upon us as if we're just pawns on a chess board and every stage of our life is a space that has been infiltrated. When we yell, cry, fear; maybe it's not us but the force inside of us. Are we not just puppets on a string, waiting to be manipulated at just the right time? Maybe Love is part of this force's doing, they say love is blind; or is it only blind because it does not want us to see it. The heart wants what it wants, or is something inside of us making the heart want something. We are basically just numbers on a clock, ticking away until we take our final breath, horses chasing after one-another for the finish line, or are we just men possessed, unknowing of our true power so something sets us back, therefore controlling us completely and making us vulnerable, so that we may endure more pain later...

Final Episode- The Reason We Sometimes Cry

Television has been around for many years. New shows come and go like seasons during a year. But it's always those old shows that get to us. The shows that we've started since the Pilot , all the way down to the final episode. Once the final episode hits, you can't help but to cry because even if the show has been with you for a couple of seasons it has still had some sort of impact on you and/or your life. For instance, I remember watching Friends everyday from the very first episode up until the show was finally over after 10 years and when the final credits hit, tears started strolling down my cheek. It was because I was both sad and happy that the show taught me multiple things in life. That 70's show was one that also hit me but none have hit me harder then when I saw the finale of Scrubs. Even though I never actually saw Scrubs on TV., watching it now makes me wish I had. The characters, the dialogue, the multiple jokes and hell the multiple heart breaks, actually showed me that not everything they show on TV is nonsense. Scrubs taught me that life has its ups and downs that one day you can be saving someone's life and the other you can be watching them dying. It's the way you get through those times that defines you as a person. It taught me that daydreaming never hurts anyone and that sometimes if you do fantasize, maybe your wishes will come true at least one time. So when a show finally ends and people wonder why your crying about it, you don't have to tell them. Because you yourself know that it changed your life, even if it was just for one second.

Think Positive: The Negativity Story

People often say that if you think positively throughout your day, then positive things will happen to you. My family is BIG on doing the whole positive thing and they always ride my ass whenever I say its all nonsense. I humor them from time to time though but still you can call it fate or whatever I still end up getting the opposite from positive. For instance, the day I sprained my ankle, at work the weather was perfect, we only had to do a couple of houses, hell I was even gonna go to Kingsdominion the following day and BAM. I fall, see a shade of dark blue wash over my eyes and instantly start screaming. Now I was thinking positively but as you can see it was a negative outcome. Maybe thinking positively only comes in certain circumstances. Maybe for everything else you just have to let your life take its course. So would that mean that we all have to be a little negative once in a while too? Or should we always think neutral so that the outcome can remain a surprise? No one person can be ultimately full of positive energy because once the first glimpse of negativity enters their system, its a full blown downward spiral.

Look At The Inkblot, Tell Me What You See

In the beginning, the tattoo was used amongst people with great stories (kings, queens, warriors, tribal leaders). They showed that you had power, glory, anything and everything to show that you were worthy amongst the Gods. Nowadays, if you are seen with a tattoo, you get looked at and ridiculed. Your seen as a drug dealer, drug user, a substance abuser, an all out monster. Why? Why did such a tradition of showing the people around you what you've been through, get changed to so much shit, that now it makes people hide their ink. Sure certain tattoos represent mischievous things but the smart people who dedicate their canvas' known as skin to the artist, so they can show the world their stories, ones filled with cherishing memories and others with memories they want to, but cant forget, those people deserve praise and compassion. I once read, "Show me a man with a tattoo and I'll show you a man with an interesting past." So ridicule me all you want, you can call me a loser and a druggie but I know who I am. In the future, my skin will show my kids, my family and the world of the things that mean most to me, the things I can never forget and what ultimately defines me... as Me...

What Happened When He Bought The Rose?

For my female readers,

If a man were to buy you a rose, what would be your immediate reaction? Would you take it with a big smile and give him a hug in return, probably not because you'd be too busy thinking, "Who in the hell are you and why are you giving me this?" You see back in the old days when a man gave a woman a rose, he was considered a gentleman. He would open the door for her, he would ask her about her day, ask her what her interest are, her goals for her future. What her favorite meal was, just so he could surprise her with it on they're first date. But now, guys have become such dick-heads that once a gentleman actually comes into play, the female gets confused. He pays for her when they go to the movies and she yells at him in return. He buys her some jewelry and she wears it but only because it cost him a good amount of money. Females now don't understand the meaning and value of a true gentleman because all the trash that they have previously been with weren't raised to respect them. I'm not saying that every man is perfect because no one is but when it comes to women, the gentleman knows a thing or two. The only shame is that there are so few gentlemen left that soon enough, we're all going to become obsolete. Then the women won't know what they were missing... and then it's going to be too late to find out.

Blow Out Your Candles

Theres only 3 simple instructions to follow with the candle tradition: 1) Set yourself up on your chair, 2) Think about your wish whilst people sing and 3) blow out your candles. Maybe its just tradition or perhaps there really is some supernatural powers behind it but every year on the day of your birthday you get to make a wish. Now it can be anything simple from money or toys/accessories to something ridiculous like hoping your last ex gets a broken leg. But I guess for me, I have to analyze the things I have, to the things I don't have to the things that are impossible for me to grasp. My past wishes have never come true considering I've usually wished for a crazy amount of money, but for the past two years my wish has remained constant. I won't ruin it but I'm betting that if you take a peak at my other blogs, you can guess what I want. It's interesting though isn't it, maybe this whole wish thing is actually a real life situation you just gotta be patient but if that's the case, then am I setting myself up for disappointment for wishing to see someone I won't be able to see in some time. Or because I continue to wish for this, does this specify that my own demise will be coming to me in a short time period. Whatever the outcome, I can't help but to feel that I'm going to be happily disappointed, could this very wish result in my own Beautiful Disaster?

Before and After: It's A Bigger Picture

Grab a picture of yourself from a couple years ago, it could be with family, friends, etc. Look at yourself closely, Are you still the same person now that you were back then? Do you still have the same friends, same hobbies, same likes/dislikes. Now look at your room, at your walls, even in your mirror. What do you see? Is it the same person in the picture because if so, your a damn liar. Look back at the picture, do you now realize that life is full of obstacles and that you change everyday. Perhaps now your more caring, more emotional, maybe now you get that joke that your P.E. teacher made in school. I look at a picture of myself, starting my senior year in high school and do you know what I see? I see a kid that couldn't wait to graduate, a kid that was looking forward to a year full of fun and laughter. A kid that didn't have the slightest clue that on the February of the upcoming year, his whole life would turn to shit. So if someone were to ask me, "Are you still the same person?" I would have to say no, because the person in the picture was a happy kid with a great smile and now, He's hiding behind it, to cover up his true emotions...

How To Save A Life

If you had the chance to go back in time and save somebody, would you? Would you change the course of the future they were destined to be in to a future that appeals to everyone. It sounds like the butterfly effect, no matter how many times you could change the future, the outcome always remains the same even if you do delay it a little. Going back and saving someones life could mean the ultimate sacrifice for you, would you still do it? Or is the natural order of things never supposed to be touched because maybe it happened for a reason and you altering the situation would mean starting another whole batch of problems. But if I could go back in time, not only would I save someone I love but I would also be able to save myself from the sorrow that now dwells in my mind...

And I'm In Level 3

After watching a certain movie about going into one's dreams and manipulating them, I kept thinking to myself, maybe this movie is hollywood's way of telling everyone that we really do just live in a dream. Perhaps we are all just sleeping in another dimension and our dreams are this dimension. Think about it, maybe when we die, we wake up to something a lot better or a lot worse, maybe we feel certain pain in these dreams to get us prepared for whatever the hell awaits after it. If you had the choice to go back and change a dream, manipulate it, change the people in them or the events that happened, would you? ... What if you could do this in real life, would our reality just turn into a dream?

Cupid Must Have Put A Curse On Me

Every situation, every choice, every action has a reaction. You go to a new city or state or country and there's a 50% chance you'll like it. You eat something, you have a 50/50 chance whether or not its good for you. You ask someone out and the reaction is either a yes or no. And even if the person says yes, theres a 50/50 chance whether the relationship will work or not.
But in many relationships, the guy or girl somehow overcomes these specific reactions and gets the other persons heart causing them multiple emotions and multiple thoughts. But the guy in the relationship always fucks it up, causing the girl much suffering and pain, therefore initially branding himself an Asshole. So the girl tries again with a 2nd guy and then a 3rd, but one by one the guy has screwed over the girl, but now the girl immeadiately stereotypes that every single guy is an ASSHOLE. But then comes Mr. Nice Guy, he attempts what the other so called "gentleman" did but he does it in such a wonderful fashion that he somehow gets the girls heart. He says things to make her feel like she has never felt, he makes her feel like a complete angel. Right when all the feelings are said and done, and he is about to make it official by asking her to be his girlfriend. The sudden thought of all her past relationships hit and she leaves Mr. Nice Guy without even saying a word. Now Mr. Nice Guy is standing there feeling helpless, lonely, and hurt. Now guess what she's officially become... An Asshole...

Are You Ok?

The words buzz through my head every single day. I wake up to them from the utter shock of living that moment again. And the only thing I can say after these specific words hit me is " Are you ok?" I know you´ve talked with everyone else in their dreams telling them your fine but all my dreams with you are on mute except its only on your side... I talk to you, hell I even scream to you and nothing. I wanna know what you were feeling before you left, what your last thought was, if the "afterlife" is all they say it is. I just want to know if your ok, cause Im not...

Where Were You?

Music is tricky if you think about it. Billions and billions of songs are out there to this day and yet there are always a select few that you believe were written just for you. I consider Kid Cudi´s - Soundtrack 2 my life and Follow Me to be the exact songs for these so called moods. But for some reason, The Fray´s You Found Me always hits the spot. Especially the line "Where were you when everything was falling apart?" Thats a complete aim to the big man upstairs, where in the hell were you huh? Was it fair to let my entire family suffer like this? Could it of been possible to atleast prepare us a year ahead of time? and yet as I ask these questions, no response will ever come to me... so even though the song still hits, its no longer where were you, now its Where Are You?

Bad Luck in 3`s or in my case 5´s

As if things couldn`t of been bad enough in 2009 and continuing onto 2010. Any news we recieved from Nicaragua or any news at all was barely good news but somehow it decreased going all the way up to Un-imaginable horror to still pretty shitty news. It all started with my dad´s death and then it progressed to us almost losing my house. The same house that I grew up in and when I mean grew up, I MEAN GREW UP... lived there for 17 years, that´s a long ass time. Then in August of 09, news struck again that my Grandma had passed away (dad´s mom). Although it was still a pretty big downer, I was pretty relieved that she passed because now her and my dad would be happy because they get to see each other again. Anyway, in early November , we almost lost my house again but this time it wasnt to a buyer but to the bank, which meant we couldve easily been kicked out on our asses. Then finally for atleast 4 months we had some peace and comfort, the house stuff had been settled and we were able to keep it but no-no fate was like "alright yall had your rest, now its time to ruin yall once again!" and it just so happend that on the day of my Moms bday, my great uncle had passed away. He was fighting a cancer battle for over a year and ultimately, it beat him. But once again, it was a downer but I was more relieved because now he wasnt suffering and he would once again be reunited with his sister and his nephew. So yeah, bad luck doesnt just come in 3´s the shit can hit you with any number...

It Only Takes A Few Words...

Throughout the history of the world, there have been many phrases that we as humans use daily. No matter the place, the time, or the language. “Good Morning,” “How are you?”” Welcome” “I Love You,” etc. But to this day, none of them have struck harder than the newest one in my dictionary. It all started on the 7th of February at 2:07 a.m., I received a call from my uncle Brian telling me to shower and start packing because my brother and I were headed to Nicaragua. You see, the day before, my brother called me telling me that our father was pretty sick and that we would have to go to Nicaragua so that way we could be there when he’d recuperate. Now, I didn’t think too much of the fact that my dad was sick because my dad was a fighter and I knew that he’d just shake off whatever was making him sick. So I showered and started packing my suitcase.
My aunt Maria and cousin Jormery showed up to my house, the reason didn’t come to me, I guess for comfort. Only thing being is that they were both crying so the comfort level evaporated. Suddenly, I hear my aunt Maria burst through the front door screaming in complete and utter sadness and desperation and Jormery comes in screaming and crying and starts hugging me. At this moment, my conscious froze up and my subconscious started taking over, I was processing all of the information without fully realizing what was happening. Skipping ahead, we arrive at Miami at 8 a.m. hoping to catch the next flight to Nicaragua at 11 a.m. But luck decided to test us a little longer and moved our flight to 5 p.m., and then again until 9 p.m. So finally we arrive at Nicaragua, we meet up with Tio Casimiro at baggage claim and make a B-line for my mom. As soon as she sees my brother and myself, she grabs us both, squeezes us tight and says “Se Nos Fue Tu Papa,” translation, “Your Dad Is Gone.”

So I stop at this part of the story to ask you, my reader, a question. How do you respond to your mother telling you that your father is gone? The answer, you don’t.

During this time, my mind, my body, and my soul are all frozen. I’m caught between wanting to cry and utter confusion. So I just hug it out with ever individual person in the family. At this point, I’m pissed off at myself that I am not able to cry until one of my cousins grips my shoulder and the tears start flowing. Everyone else from Virginia gets here and the crying continues. Once we’re all settled, we all get in the cars and head to Jinotega, Nicaragua, the birth place and ultimately, the burial place of my father. Everyone from the town showed up, every relative I’ve ever met and even ones I haven’t. My brother and I both grab one of my mom’s hands and we turn the corner. In front of us lies a casket, both my brother and I stare at the person inside but we couldn’t recognize him. We knew it was our dad but it looked nothing like him. We cried as one big group for several hours, when we actually tried to get a couple of hours of sleep.
It turned into a nightmare; my grandmother had this rooster that would sing in the crack of dawn. But its song was really broken and it sounded like screams. My nightmare was my dad screaming in pain, every five minutes. Even to this day, I can hear the screams. Sunday morning came; we had a beautiful mass for my dad. Being an old friend of the family, the priest reminisces about their childhood, what they talked about, and how they were very close. Mass is long and stressful, I instantly remember the promise I made to my dad when I was only four years old. I told him that one day I would buy him a red Jeep, this thought hits
Sunday afternoon hits us just as badly as early in the morning. It was time to take my dad into the cemetery and say our final goodbyes. We stall the burial for a couple of minutes to make time for my uncle Brian. After he shows up, we say one final prayer, give him one final kiss and ease him in to his grave. Days and months have passed. It has been one entire year and two months since my father’s death. The first couple of months after his death were really hard. The rest of the months just flew by and before I knew it the year anniversary hit.
But these last few months, have been some of the most difficult I have ever been through. I was emotionally isolated from every possible person, began arguing whenever there was a family get together just to show how tough I was, and it even came to skipping school just so I could go home and sleep. The isolation happened because I know that everyone in the family is grieving about my dad, but it’s not the same. It differs in the pain that a cousin or a sister-in-law suffers then it actually being the person that raised you. Hell the day of the actual anniversary, my brother and I became completely wasted but were still somehow functional just so we couldn’t feel any pain during that day. People often say that they get stronger whenever a loved one dies. I personally felt that I was losing the battle and there was no way I could ever catch up. Also, with the continuous bad luck my family has endured over the past year, my faith in God still hasn’t rejuvenated. I guess I’m just waiting for a miracle to happen so that way I can start believing again. The dreams I’ve had about my dad were never really dreams but nightmares. I would dream that I was dying and he was calling me up to go with him only he would be crying. And if it wasn’t like that then they had to deal with him coming back from a “trip” or something. I haven’t been able to talk to him lately; it’s hard to talk to someone when you can’t get a response.
If I did I would tell him that I miss him an incredible amount. That I hope he’s ok, that I know he’s watching me. If possible, I want him to talk to me in my dreams, explain everything to me. For any person that has to grieve with the death of a parent, in my opinion it is the biggest change you could ever possibly have in your life. Cherish every moment you have with everyone you love, even if the moments aren’t all good because when you least expect it, they’re going to be taken away from you and you won’t be able to handle the pain. For instance, my father was an alcoholic; I’m not ashamed to say it. When he was pretty intoxicated, he would give us lectures on anything really and I used to hate it. Now that he’s gone I actually miss all of them, no matter how idiotic the subject was. I end with a quote from an Eskimo proverb. “Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones, pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” I’ll Always Love You Pop; I miss you more and more every day.