Unthinkable

        I don’t know what I’m capable of. Guess no one really knows how far their full potential is willing to go. I’m striving for perfection when in reality I know that I’ll never truly be perfect. When someone tends to push themselves harder and harder each day until they reach their desire; then they continue to push themselves to maintain that desire, I guess that’s what makes things perfect. Busting your ass day in and day out to live your life the way you want. Risks must be taken because let’s face it what is Life with no risk? The risk of rejection, emotional risk, psychological risk, these are all a part of us living. Life is worth nothing if you’re confined within an invisible bubble, scared of the obstacles that come with the territory. Life, as I have come to see it, is like a race. You have to run as fast as you can with the wind going against you. It may be hard but at least you’re able to enjoy the scenery. So like I said earlier I don’t know what I’m capable of. I’ve decided that I don’t want to live my life just half-assed, but to its fullest no matter how difficult it may be. No matter what decision I must make, whether it comes down to my job, my family, or my one true love. I just might do the unthinkable and surprise everybody...

The Hands of Fate keep Time on a Heart Shaped Watch

             Different, the feeling of Life at the moment. It feels as if something is out of wack, I can’t explain what it is though. I’m still highly motivated, I’m still very persistent, etc. Nothing about me has changed. I guess it’s because too many things are happening all at once. All good, bad, interesting, annoying, so on. I've learned from things that have happened in the past, that all bad things resolve themselves out and that all good things are worth fighting for. I've also learned that the world tends to throw things at us and not because we've asked for them but to test us. Some of us are given more than one test at a time, the reason being no one will ever truly know. They say that everyone’s fate is already determined. Whether you’re blessed with the chance to wake up in the morning is already destined and planned out for you. Life is only one, so why waste it? Yes, go out and take risks, try some new experiences but have some control and common sense. Don’t go out and punch a cop just because you can cause well that’s your ass. Enjoy life, make new friends, try something new, and be daring. I've learned that to be alive is sacred, we must cherish every moment. I also know, that those who are patient and are strong at heart are determined to be great, no matter how difficult life gets or how confusing it may seem, obstacles that get thrown at us can always be overcome…

All I Want Is

            Wrote this last Saturday on my actual birthday...

  

                  It’s that time of year again, when I get to think about how old I’m getting, how much has changed and what I should wish for before I blow out the candles. The thing I’ve wanted is so confusing yet so miraculous. Its value is immense and yet it costs no amount of money. It’s very near and dear to my heart. Now, I tend to claim it as my own but in reality it’s not. Which is why this gift might be the most difficult to get. It’s that special kind of gift you wish you had before anyone else because you know you can treat it with the love and affection it deserves. For those who have been keeping up, you already know what my heart desires. So what is my description of an Angel? They are quite rare and if you see one you must cherish and embrace them as long as humanly possible. So my gift, the one I want, the one I know would change everything forever is well my Angel. I want all of her: strengths, weaknesses, personality, laugh, smile, the big and little things she does, her confusion, her determination, her past, present, future, her goals, her pain, her joy, her everything. Most guys wouldn’t admit to wanting all of that from a girl but just like she knows and you as my readers know, I’m not like most guys. Out of every wish my mind could think of, I believe this is the one I truly deserve, the one that should be granted with no questions asked.

            Everyone deserves to be surrounded by loved ones on their special day, especially if the person you love is there to celebrate with you. Due to the shit that went down however, I feel like this gift will be even harder to get. I haven’t seen her in damn near three weeks and I’m expecting whatever force that “grants” wishes to just up and have her arrive at my doorstep late one night and have us just embrace, finally making sense of the shit we’ve been through. She’s the only gift I truly desire. And yet, I can’t help but wonder, do I really deserve such a gift? Also, is it more that I want her or that I need her? 

Losing It

           I’m starting to realize that I’m losing it. No explanation, no reason, no trying to deny it. I feel conflicted, emotional, and worried. I keep zoning in and out from anything I do especially when I’m writing. And it’s not what I’m writing about because I have one hell of an inspiration. It’s the fact that I’ll start with a sentence, zone out, and come to with a paragraph full in detail and very vivid. Food no longer has taste; anything I watch has me constantly thinking. It’s probably the reason why I’ve been writing like a maniac for the past couple of days. And even though everything is well written, I still can’t help but think that it’s all word vomit. Hell, maybe everything I’ve done over the years has just been word vomit.  Whatever the case may be, maybe this is how I write from now on, not fully knowing what I’m writing about until I have to read it to verify. You stare into my eyes and they appear glazed over. My expressions are blank with no true emotion behind them. All these things, all of my writing has tied together in more ways than one could describe. The drive and desire that once ran through me has slowly started to evaporate. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m looking for a job or again the fact that I haven’t seen her in what feels like an eternity. For once in my adult life, I can honestly say that I’m truly freaked out and not cause of the zoning out part but of what my subconscious is really trying to tell me…

Dark Knight Feeling/ I'm Wide Awake

            It was raining and you were cold and tired after a long day, but nothing could ruin this night. The images of emotion, evil, and heroism caught everyone’s attention. You kept cringing at the sight of innocents dying while I kept rubbing your leg assuring you that you needn’t be worried. Putting your head on my shoulder, I knew for a fact that comfort had fully settled itself into you, guess the couple of kisses to the forehead helped. A force in you decided to act on some urge and you grabbed my hand for what felt like hours but in reality was a couple of minutes, whatever the case it was wonderful. Towards the end while our hands were still together, something revealing immediately made me jump causing my hand to twitch which you found cute and made you smile. The adventure had ended, only to have another one begin. The drive home was quite a distance but felt short for some reason, we stopped at our hangout different location but still the same place. We went to your home and not the current one but the one before it. You showed me your baby, four paws and all. There was something about you that night, you seemed content, relaxed. I was so hyped with everything going on but I was still able to identify the high levels of happiness from within ourselves. We finally went home, my home, and we both got comfy still trying to figure out what the hell we just saw and how spectacular it was. You laid down and I simply just had to take a quick moment to take in the sight. I laid down next to you and the night ended with my arms wrapped around you and you silently falling asleep. As I watched you just fade away into dream world, I kept thinking to myself “how in the hell could I be so lucky?”

            I woke up but this time it wasn’t a dream, I actually woke up to you beside me. A smile hit my face, probably the biggest smile that I’ve ever had. Maybe it was the moment, the fact I wasn’t dreaming or the 4 hours of sleep I had, whatever it was it felt right. It felt as if nothing could ruin this morning. I brought in my puppy, all 3 of us just played around and cuddled for an hour or so. We finally got up, got ready and headed out for breakfast. When we came back, you were having a long conversation on the phone while I just sat on the bed of my truck and looked up at the sky. I knew that the whole saying goodbye for the time being part was going to suck. So finally you came towards me we hugged for a while, we kissed and you left to go to work. I paced in my mind back and forth between joy and sadness. And even though I was able to see you later that night, I still knew that as soon as I got home and went to bed, waking up in the morning was going to be brutal. Happiness only lasts a short while unfortunately. Which I didn’t fully realize until I woke up the next morning alone, wondering where the hell you went and why in the hell our perfect day had to end…

It's Like I'm Going Insane

          Maybe that’s why my chest has been hurting. I’ve been missing something out of the norm, something I was used to seeing on an everyday basis and since that has stopped I’ve been in physical pain. Now, it’s not severe pain but it is rather uncomfortable. It’s not the work out; it’s the missing link that’s not working out. I feel like I’m lacking in something, now sure it’s only been a couple of days but I’ll be damned if shit hasn’t changed. I thought I was crazy before; I’m mental cruising down to schizophrenic now. When I said that you changed me, I wasn’t joking. I’m a star but you’re the shine behind it and these past couple of days, I’ve been at my dimmest. The environment feels different, I FUCKING MISS YOU is spray painted on the walls in my mind. Hearts are painted all over with the biggest one including a bat-symbol in the center. My mind is racing, thoughts of you taking over at least 75% of it. My creativity now spews out without any true thought. I produce word vomit so raw that public speakers stare at me with a “what the fuck” look but it is not of disgust but astonishment. Like I’ve said in the past what I write, the images I paint can leave you breathless. I know that once the next embrace comes I will be inhaling every single moment as if it’s the oxygen we as human beings need to survive. No medications, no therapy, just words on a piece of paper. Now sure, I may be ranting on like a mad man but that’s because mad men are usually missing something. So call me mad, I don’t care because I am missing something… You. 

Design My Imagination

        Imagine waterfalls of the bluest water possible. A meadow of roses mixed with bees collecting the sweetest pollen. The world in sync and harmonious music filling the air. Goals being accomplished with every passing second. Fantasies/ Dreams being fulfilled. Happiness engulfing two beings that love each other and were put in front of each other not as obstacles but to journey together. Traveling the world and not just for business but to broaden their horizons, their minds, and their hearts. Two objects that hypnotize and prophesize achievements that are waiting to be achieved. Love is shown as projections from a projector for a project about the human emotion. Visions of a Savior savoring the moment when it comes time for him to save her. My imagination runs wild just by a mere glance of a true beauty. Unlike Medusa, stare into them and your life of success doesn’t seem frozen, for success is anything you believe it to be. My imagination runs wild and not from a smile but from beings higher up, you just have to stare, not at their color but within. For it’s not just the being that’s rare but the Eyes of an Angel that can provide you with miracles…

To Be Continued…

We Call Relationships Committed

        Kay Knudsen once said, “Love is missing someone whenever you’re apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you’re close in heart.” Talking with a friend, I came to the realization that I am not crazy for going after someone who is taken. The heart is a mysterious thing, just like the mind, we’ll never fully grasp its true nature or power. Over the past week things have changed. It kills me, the fact that over a little mess up, I no longer see my Angel on the regular. I think about her constantly, then again what else is new. We still talk but it’s not the same feeling. Not the same as actually hugging the person, talking to them face to face, joking around with them, wanting to kiss them so that for a split second there’s peace in both of your worlds. They say distance makes true love stronger and I have a feeling that’s very true. And as you know, this girl’s different from any of the others and she knows exactly why. So as I’m sure she knows, I’m not going anywhere. I may not be with her everyday and trust me, I’d use one of my 3 wishes to make sure I could be, but damnit I’m still her superhero. I’ll always be around to save her even if it meant that I have to sacrifice myself…

Still Need A Savior

Trying on the outfit, money on a band, The Savior sits lonely drawing hearts in the sand/

Is Fate procrastinating? How could a couple of wings change him?/

She loves him, he loves her more, but she also loves the original, the one she knew before/

Conflicted with a tough decision, one heart in a tug of war with two men, one on each end/

The Savior wishes he met her first, save her from the pain that hurts her mind and her heart, what matters in a race is the ending not the start/

Things are always complicated when love rears its head, everything can be jolly and apparently roses are always red/

Love is about sacrifice which the Savior knows a lot about, things have changed for him from how they were back then to how they are now/

He wants all of her, it would be his greatest present, he’d sacrifice his soul, just to be with her every second/

She does something to him that no one’s ever done, he can be himself with her, they make each other smile, both brighter than the sun/

He’s her shoulder, she’s his spine, all she would see is how happy she makes him if she looked inside his mind/

Mistakes have been made, things aren’t what he’s used to, used to see each other a lot, things changed and it sucks, misses her terribly it’s crucial/

He knows that it’ll be difficult, without her he’s miserable, don’t underestimate his love or what he feels for you/

The Savior stands waiting, thoughts contemplating, til his beauty decides, he will love her forever, she changed him like the weather, he’ll always be there to wipe the tears from her eyes…