Wish I Was Average

Reminiscing over my past crushes/ loves, I've come to realize one thing...I had no idea as to what the hell I was feeling. Now sure, some of said crushes have had their own posts but even then now that I look back at it, was it really love? Let's face it, as a hopeless romantic, I tend to want what I want when I can get it. So if I'm attracted to you and I have a shot then by golly, I shall try my best. Even then however, I don't think any of these girls were the real L status, they were mainly obstacles that my heart had to go through in order for it to grow stronger and ultimately fall into the hands of that one goofy Angel that's been in my life for the past couple of months. Now, you may be asking "Richard, what makes your angel different then any of the girls from your past?" Well, here's the thing about angels. They are quite rare for those who actually believe in them. So if you happen to see one, you have to embrace them and cherish every single second they spend with you for true beauty is incredibly hard to find. Sure this angel has had an intense life, from her childhood all the way to right now, and you want to know the weird thing about it? I would gladly give up my sanity and health to take all of her darkness and switch it with nothing but joy and happiness. So you know why I say that those past moments don't count because none of them felt like this. Dr. Seuss once said," When you are in Love, you can't fall asleep because your Reality is better than your Dreams." I guess that's why whenever she graces me with her presence, I never want that moment to end...

I Would Surely Break The Lock...

     I dreamt that I woke up in my room, in my bed but the stress of the world was all gone. Now, perhaps it was because I woke up in the Bahamas or maybe it's due to the fact that she was the first thing I saw. Now, whenever I have an incredible dream and wake up from it, I get pissed, like I'm sure a lot of you do. When it comes down to me, Determination and Passion go hand in hand. You have to love what you do and be able to love it for the rest of your life. For instance, I am passionate about writing therefore determined to become a successful writer. I think that's one of the traits that people love about me, the effort and heart I put into making sure my future is a success. I have a great supporting cast when it comes down to my future. My family and a handful of friends. However, you never fully appreciate someone until you remember how they got into your life in the first place. If you recall, an Angel was sent down and embraced me with her love. My love for her continues to grow stronger as I believe hers grows stronger as well. She pushes me to be better than what I am. She once told me, that I was destined for bigger and better things. This Angel came into my life for a reason, without her I'm not sure if I would be the way I am right now. Now sure, she's on my mind constantly and I wish I could spend every minute with her but I have to take what I can get. What I do know is that, I'm very blessed to have her in my life. She's my best-friend, my great love, and the keeper of my heart. Determination and Passion go hand in hand, the reason I know this is because that dream that I spoke of, will definitely come true. Not now, or tomorrow, but Time as we know is a mystery. Maybe it won't be for a couple of years before this dream turns into a reality but even then does that not mean we can't enjoy the ride and each other's company while we wait...

Everything That Shines Ain't Always Gonna Be Gold

The great Thomas Wayne once said," Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." Life as you may know, has been the topic of a lot of my posts so today shall be no different. Life tends to throw certain things at you from time to time, hell sometimes everything at once. The way we deal with it, is the way we'll be able to finally be satisfied with our lives. Now, there comes a point in life where we immediately shut down and have to basically just sit and figure out the decisions that will effect our present and our futures. I am a fond believer that Emotions are not a weakness, rather they make you stronger as a person. I used to be the type of person that would bottle up every little thing just so no one would know something was wrong, once I learned to release all this built up rage and sorrow, it started making my life easier to deal with.  We all have an inner demon working within the confines of our minds, the demon is the one that listens to our problems the most because while we're handling the shit outside of our minds, he's working at the front desk on the inside. This little bastard is tricky however, if he tends to not like a current situation, he'll start filling your mind with all sorts of mixed signals. For instance, after my dad passed away, I was an emotional wreck.   How can I prove that, well if your reading my blog, you know its true. That's when my demonic side started coming out. That's when I started cutting classes, started lashing out towards my family and friends. I became completely depressed and obsolete, it almost came down to the point where I wanted to see a shrink just to see what the hell was going on. But I learned that my demonic side was always going to be a part of me. Hell , to this day he still pops up. I'm usually a happy, go lucky guy but on those days where my emotions are on my sleeve, that's the negative side of me walking around while my nice guy side stays on the sidelines.
    Happiness and Time are the keys to everything. There is always a choice when it comes down to making a difficult decision. If the choices all make you very happy, then that is where your future comes into play. Which choice is the best for your future? Maybe choice A makes you very happy but you don't really see yourself enjoying it a couple of years from now, then that makes choice B your final decision. Because it makes you happy and will continue doing so. Now sure, it may take some time to decide on the choices and it will slowly destroy you from the inside out. But when your old and gray, looking back on your life and realizing that your life may have been hard, you'll realize that the ultimate choice you made was well worth the wait...
          

What You Feel Ain't Easy To Deal With

              The mind is a glorious yet terrifying thing. It'll make you forget certain things for a split second and it'll fill your head with happiness and joy and then turn around and bitch slap you with the certain things all over again. It's been one week. One week since I fucked up something wonderful. One week since I drank/ cried myself to sleep, to wake up as if nothing happened, then remembered my actions and felt as if the weight of the world completely crushed me. A couple of days ago, I hung out with her after work. It was her, myself and a couple of friends. Earlier that day however, she told me about the passing of one of her cousins, which made me feel bad not even wanting to know how she was feeling. I mean this girl does so much and it's like the world says "FUCK IT," and piles on every little thing on top of her. I destroyed her heart and soul, he crushed her heart, her best friend left, her cousin passes away, etc. So I decided to show up so we could talk, you know just to be there as a friend. Gotta start off slow after you jeopardize your trust with the person you love. So we're sitting near her car, talking about life, love and anything else we could think of. I ask to put my head on her lap and she gave me a thumbs up and well let's just say her legs are mighty comfy better than my pillow and I love my pillow. So we start to play Never Have I Ever and the Truth game, which has me sort of pinned down due to the fact that I know stuff about her and she knows some stuff about me, so I basically shot myself in the foot and revealed to our friend that I was still a virgin. I'm not ashamed of it, hell I barely give a damn, I look at it as a turn on now. It's an invitation to basically do whatever the hell you want to me, certain limits still apply though. So all of us start getting emotional talking about relationships and she lays down on her back. She grabbed my hand and put it on her bare stomach and damnit, wouldn't you know it but the mood was just perfect. I started rubbing her stomach even played with her belly button piercing, almost went as far as kissing her multiple times on her stomach but that might have lead to other things.

                  There was something in the air that night that just made me and possibly made her forget about the things that happened that week. We held hands, I rubbed her knee forgetting that she was sunburned resulting in my hand getting slapped, and she even gave me a short but sweet scalp massage. The night ended with her saying bye to our friend and us just hugging for a couple of minutes not saying anything just letting the embrace do all of the talking for us. We ended with a couple of texts back and forth basically saying how amazing the night was and how I wanted it to last forever. That night gave me a slight hope that things will become better, time has got to run its course first. In reality, I believe she's still conflicted with the decision of letting me back into her heart. I don't blame her like I've said in the past, I did her wrong and I deserve any bad shit coming to me. I've always said that Love is a power that could easily beat out any other feeling. I guess that's why I'm still fighting for her. The love I feel for this girl is surreal, she makes me strive to be a better man, therefore being a better person for her. She's on my mind constantly and I mean from the moment I go to sleep, to when I wake up, to when I have to go back to sleep. I know the thing she admires the most about me is my dedication and my passion towards her. Now, her trust in me will probably always be questioned but the fact that she's still talking to me as if nothing happened has got to mean something... Right? 

...Then You Give Me Back My Life

       Someone once said, "Relationships are like crystals, you don't realize how much you love it until it breaks." So I was actually dreading going into work this week, due to the fact that I would see her there. Monday came along and I was just completely out of it. My heart physically hurt, my gut kept telling me "you fucked up man," and my brain was just out of the building. It came down to the point where I was messing around with a box-cutter and wanted to test its sharpness by slicing my left arm. Just a couple of cuts here and there, a little blood never hurt anybody. The thing that calmed me down however was the fact that we were texting each other again. I told her everything that was happening at work and I could somehow feel that she was worried about me, which made me feel confused seeing as how I destroyed her heart a few days before. Anyways, Tuesday comes and she shows up and wouldn't you know it but she showed up in glasses. Now I knew the make-up she was going to put on considering she let me pick out her colors, something she would let me do before all of this stupid shit happened. When I saw her, a smile immediately hit my face, cause well if you've been keeping track I FUCKING LOVE A GIRL IN GLASSES. So Tuesday, we act like if nothing too bad happened but deep down it's killing me. I know her feelings for me, remain the same but now she doesn't trust me. She trusts the feelings I have for her and she doesn't blame me for what I did, she's just scared that if we do end up together that I'll do the same thing and just obliterate her heart.
         They say we learn from our mistakes and it's true. I don't blame her for not trusting me, I crushed her and I deserve a lot worse. The thing that pissed me off the most however was the fact that her best friend told me that she was going to end up leaving him due to the fact that she couldn't handle all of his nonsense. So I instantly just fell apart because if she would've told me what was going down, I wouldn't have done what I did and hell I wouldn't be writing this at all, or maybe I would but it would be completely different. Certain things happen for a reason, maybe this is one of those certain things. Maybe this had to happen in order for us to become stronger as individuals, now if I could take it back I wouldn't even think twice about it. I'm still fighting though, I told her straight up "I will fight the army of hell, if you need me to..." Now, I don't know what the future holds for her or myself. I want her to be happy, plain and simple. If she decides to choose me, I know it'll take a while before she fully trusts me and that's alright. My job is to forever make her smile and when I have a job I get it done, it may take me a couple of tries but she brings out the best in me. Because what I feel for this girl isn't just a simple crush or a like, it's Love...

You Were the Pistol to my Holster...BANG!

  Someone once told me, "Love is complicated, if you love someone enough you have to let them go and if it was meant to be, they'll find their way back to you." I let her go... In a split second, I went from loving her to breaking her heart. It was eventually going to happen seeing as how she's in a committed relationship. The pain that my heart went through would've stayed the same regardless of the time this gut wrenching tragedy happened. The reason I chose to end it was the fact that our whole situation wasn't fair to the three people in it. I did it so she could choose her own path, I want her to be happy no matter what the outcome is. Whether she chooses to stay with him or end things due to her feelings towards me. I never meant for her heart to suffer, my feelings for her will forever stay the same. Hell, I could love her for a lifetime and maybe more and deep down in her heart she knows that. As I sit here with deep thoughts and watery eyes, I guess the only thing left to say is an angel was sent down from Heaven to show me what true love really was and I let her foolishly slip through my grasp. As I finish this off with the heaviest of hearts, I hope that the happiness she does find is eternal. My heart still hopes that in the end she'll choose me but I'd much rather have her be in the embrace of a man who can always make her smile and provide for her while I sit in the stands, slowly succumbing to madness...

P.S. I never meant to hurt you, my love for you will always stay the same...