The Great Greek Philosopher Plato once said, " Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, and the amazement of the Gods." As my Regretful Trilogy comes to a stop, I can't help but be grateful to the fact that she wasn't around when I entered my Sorrow phase. I guess that's my fault though. I pushed everyone away even her. I betrayed her, time and time again. I remember one day in French class, she became very sad because the Seniors only had a month left before they all graduated. So I told her, "Don't worry I'm gonna be around all the time, you'll still have me, I won't be at this school, but I'll be in the area." She replied with a simple yet very powerful, "No, you won't." It's true, I never once showed up to say hi, or take her somewhere. I betrayed her, I didn't keep my promise, I acted like a total ass. I do wonder however, If I would've kept my promise, If I would've told her how I really felt after my dad died, would my life have become such a complete downward spiral? So, a couple of days ago we talked and she wished me a happy birthday and it was right then and there, that I realized how badly I screwed everything up between us.
You know they say, "Good things are hard to come by." Well she was my best thing, it's weird but when we were talking back in high school, I felt unbeatable like no one could touch me because I had her by my side. And I blew it, which pretty much explains why I haven't tried contacting her until just recently. I was ashamed of myself. I mean her feelings towards me, are probably of a really good friend whose gone missing in action. If that's the case, then how come my feelings for her still continue to be those of someone I know I could have a future with. She's starting to be in everyone of my dreams just like when we were talking. Talking to her for that split second, reminded me of everything that I loved about her. The funny thing being that I know for a fact that she'll read this, well because I'm going to send it to her. If she were able to see into my mind and swim around in my thoughts, she'd see that I literally picked out each and every event of our future, down to what our living room would look like. Now, some people may think I'm crazy and they might be right but to me it's just love. She's the first girl that I've fallen this hard for, and I guess I fell so hard that I haven't been able to get back up. The sad thing is, is that if you looked through my eyes and you saw her, you'd be able to see us sharing a lifetime together. I wonder what I would see if I looked at myself, through her eyes...
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Longest Text Message
So question, have you ever been so caught up in the moment that you accidentally say the worst possible thing to say and then you piss off the girl of your dreams? Well I did that a lot, we always had talks about our future and what would happen after I left for college. And right when I had her blushing and dreaming of what could be, my ass just comes out of nowhere with a stupid comment and bang, ruins the whole conversation. Now ladies and gentleman, I am not perfect, hell nobody is, but come on. Everyone knows that you don't open your mouth when the mood is right where you want it to be. So skipping ahead to February 7th. I get a call at around 2: 17 a.m., telling me to pack my bags because I'm headed to Nicaragua. So I'm packed up and pretty scared and confused, when I decide to text her about whats happening. She immediately calls me and we talk for a couple of minutes. I tell her I love her, that no matter what happens that I'm thankful she's in my life.
After a couple of days in Nicaragua, I'm able to text her with the news that my dad has gone to a better place. She replied with ," Oh Richard." It's weird isn't it, I'm sometimes able to sense the emotions behind a text and I can't help but feel that she was crying for me during all this. So I tell her, "Yea sunshine, and I know he would've loved to meet you." Which is true, I remember showing my dad her picture one day and he told me that she was gorgeous and that I should treat her well. When I get to school, a couple of days later, I see her waiting for me outside of one of her classes, we talked for a little bit and then she went into the classroom. Now to this day, this would have to be on my top 5 list of things I regret the most. Instead of just talking to her, I should've hugged her and never let her go. I should've told her how much I needed her, how much I loved her, and how without her, I don't know how I would be able to survive whatever happens to me. But it's a funny thing, just like in an argument, you don't think of the perfect thing to say until about a day or so later. In Part: 3 or the Finale of my Regretful Trilogy, we will find out. How I lost her, How I betrayed her, and How now, I can't stop thinking about her...
After a couple of days in Nicaragua, I'm able to text her with the news that my dad has gone to a better place. She replied with ," Oh Richard." It's weird isn't it, I'm sometimes able to sense the emotions behind a text and I can't help but feel that she was crying for me during all this. So I tell her, "Yea sunshine, and I know he would've loved to meet you." Which is true, I remember showing my dad her picture one day and he told me that she was gorgeous and that I should treat her well. When I get to school, a couple of days later, I see her waiting for me outside of one of her classes, we talked for a little bit and then she went into the classroom. Now to this day, this would have to be on my top 5 list of things I regret the most. Instead of just talking to her, I should've hugged her and never let her go. I should've told her how much I needed her, how much I loved her, and how without her, I don't know how I would be able to survive whatever happens to me. But it's a funny thing, just like in an argument, you don't think of the perfect thing to say until about a day or so later. In Part: 3 or the Finale of my Regretful Trilogy, we will find out. How I lost her, How I betrayed her, and How now, I can't stop thinking about her...
Love Causes the Same Chemical Reaction in the Brain as Insanity
Someone once said, "To regret something is to hang yourself with your own noose. Mental suicide." These past couple of days, due to my birthday, have been filled with a lot of thinking about my past. Regret is something that no one can ignore. We always tend to regret even the smallest of things. For instance, maybe you wanted to take a class one year but couldn't or maybe you regret saying "this" instead of saying "that." So, during my senior year of high school, I started talking to this girl in my French class. She was a big cutie, so of course I was attracted to her but if I would've known just how head over heels I would fall for her, then I would've been able to prepare for what was in store. So when we first started talking, she kept telling me about this boy problem that she was dealing with. So being the nice guy that I am, I helped her out and gave her a couple of tips.
So after a couple of days of talking, I started falling for her. And if there is one thing you must know about me, it's that if I fall for someone then I fall HARD! So as the days passed, my crush on her just got bigger and bigger until I couldn't help myself and I told her what the deal was. To my surprise, I learned that she too had a crush on me. So come time that Monday, when French class came around, guess who couldn't help but keep smiling the whole damn time. We even went as far as sitting next to each other while doing a group activity and kept just playfully messing with each other. Now as Sebastian the crab once said, "She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her..." Considering, we've both been hurt in the past by past crushes, we didn't want to jinx anything. So that Christmas, we decided that we would buy each other something and then we would hang out one day at my house and exchange gifts while watching her favorite movie, The Little Mermaid. That day never came however, so the time that we had that could have made the deal for us to become a couple never happened. So as part: 1 of my story comes to a conclusion, be aware that when part: 2 comes into play, we'll get to see how after the death of my dad, I messed up what could have ultimately saved my life...
So after a couple of days of talking, I started falling for her. And if there is one thing you must know about me, it's that if I fall for someone then I fall HARD! So as the days passed, my crush on her just got bigger and bigger until I couldn't help myself and I told her what the deal was. To my surprise, I learned that she too had a crush on me. So come time that Monday, when French class came around, guess who couldn't help but keep smiling the whole damn time. We even went as far as sitting next to each other while doing a group activity and kept just playfully messing with each other. Now as Sebastian the crab once said, "She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her..." Considering, we've both been hurt in the past by past crushes, we didn't want to jinx anything. So that Christmas, we decided that we would buy each other something and then we would hang out one day at my house and exchange gifts while watching her favorite movie, The Little Mermaid. That day never came however, so the time that we had that could have made the deal for us to become a couple never happened. So as part: 1 of my story comes to a conclusion, be aware that when part: 2 comes into play, we'll get to see how after the death of my dad, I messed up what could have ultimately saved my life...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Soundtrack 2 My Life
The great Albert Einstein once wrote, " The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." In a couple of hours, it is going to be my birthday. That one special day of the year where I get to Thank God for letting me live another full year. The big difference about this birthday however is that I'm turning 20. You know time never seems to fade us. We can still remember things we did when we were 5 and they feel as though we just did them. But now that I realize it, I'm able to categorize my life into time. For instance, I know that one year from now I will officially be 21 which makes me legal to drink/buy alcohol anywhere I please. In a matter of 5-7 years, I plan to at least have my family started. In 8-10 years, I will hopefully be working as a full blown writer and share stories with everyone around the world. I'll also be able to attend my 10 year high-school reunion and see all the old faces that I no longer communicate with. After that however, I can't fill in the gaps. For instance, who in my family will still be alive in 20 years when I'm 40? Will I even live to be 40? And yet, is my mind so advanced that I have to keep thinking about my future instead of the present? The sad thing being that I can only help but think of the trials and tribulations that will probably re-enter my life. Guess I should start thinking about my birthday wish now...
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Food for Thought Pt. 1: Sorry Jr, I Already Ruined Ya
Everyone in the world loves music, it's the one thing that everyone can actually agree on. No matter what your genre, music is a part of who you are and who you were meant to be. A great composer by the name of Frederick Delius once said, "Music is an outburst of the soul." Now I myself have mentioned music a couple of times in past entries and today shall be no different. A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to this song titled, New Day. The song has to do with the two artists talking to their future kids about the hardships that they had to go through and hopefully their kids don't have to go through the exact same things. Now after listening to it the first time, I couldn't help but think about my future kids. Music tends to do that to us, it makes us believe that the song was meant for us and us only. So while thinking about my offspring, I couldn't help but fill my mind with wonderment. For instance, If I am to become a renowned writer, what will my kids think about my past trials and tribulations? Will they themselves have to deal with the same demons that I dealt with? Will they be the same age for my death, as I was for my father's death? If I die way before my time, will that grief and sorrow push them to write about their own misfortunes? And while I ask myself these questions about my children's future, I can't help but think. Are all my inner demons so intense that they have already ruined the lives of my future children? Have I already ruined who they were supposed to be without them being alive? I fear that things have just begun, for me and my future family...
Monday, September 5, 2011
You Never Gave Me Any Sign
First off,
Relationships are complete bullshit. We all think we want something when in reality, we don't know jackshit. Girls say they want a sweet and wholesome guy and yet they go out with the dickhead who wouldn't even give it a second thought to treat her to a little "Chris Brown" snack. Guys say they want a good girl, a girl who can be trusted and won't sleep around, yet they automatically go for the dirtiest, nastiest chick out in the wild. So Rule #1- If you think you found your ideal partner, the person that would be willing to do anything for you within the drop of a hat, your more confused than you give yourself credit for. Like Eddie Murphy once said, "Everyone has a skeleton in their closet, hell some people might even have cemeteries in there."
Secondly,
Guidance is key. Usually once someone is fed up with letting their hormones take control of their lives, they say the one thing that everyone eventually says, "I'll just let them come to me." Now in reality this could work both ways, or at least in my experience that's how it's worked. When you take a halt in the race of love, you tend to find yourself more aware of your surroundings. You seem to become more attractive to the opposite sex because you are no longer acting like a lost puppy. But at the same time, If you thought you were lonely while you were chasing someone down, then when your attempting to let them come to you, you will feel incredibly alone. Rule #2- Follow your body, if your soul/gut/heart tell you to stop searching and take a rest, then by all means chill-out. But if on the other hand it tells you to search twice as hard, then your ass better get a map, a compass, and start asking for directions just in case.
Lastly,
Feelings will always play a key role in the decision making. When you like someone, you automatically must know if they like you because if their feelings aren't the same as your feelings then the only one you'll be feeling is yourself. In other words, don't throw your heart into the spike pit unless you know someone is willing to catch it. It happens all the time where two people like each other but one of them doesn't make a move so the entire opportunity is lost. So Rule #3- Timing is everything. Don't hesitate, if you know for a fact that your crush deeply likes you, then you should immediately go up to them and just sweep them off their feet. A two person love is better than making a batch of knuckle children by yourself...
Relationships are complete bullshit. We all think we want something when in reality, we don't know jackshit. Girls say they want a sweet and wholesome guy and yet they go out with the dickhead who wouldn't even give it a second thought to treat her to a little "Chris Brown" snack. Guys say they want a good girl, a girl who can be trusted and won't sleep around, yet they automatically go for the dirtiest, nastiest chick out in the wild. So Rule #1- If you think you found your ideal partner, the person that would be willing to do anything for you within the drop of a hat, your more confused than you give yourself credit for. Like Eddie Murphy once said, "Everyone has a skeleton in their closet, hell some people might even have cemeteries in there."
Secondly,
Guidance is key. Usually once someone is fed up with letting their hormones take control of their lives, they say the one thing that everyone eventually says, "I'll just let them come to me." Now in reality this could work both ways, or at least in my experience that's how it's worked. When you take a halt in the race of love, you tend to find yourself more aware of your surroundings. You seem to become more attractive to the opposite sex because you are no longer acting like a lost puppy. But at the same time, If you thought you were lonely while you were chasing someone down, then when your attempting to let them come to you, you will feel incredibly alone. Rule #2- Follow your body, if your soul/gut/heart tell you to stop searching and take a rest, then by all means chill-out. But if on the other hand it tells you to search twice as hard, then your ass better get a map, a compass, and start asking for directions just in case.
Lastly,
Feelings will always play a key role in the decision making. When you like someone, you automatically must know if they like you because if their feelings aren't the same as your feelings then the only one you'll be feeling is yourself. In other words, don't throw your heart into the spike pit unless you know someone is willing to catch it. It happens all the time where two people like each other but one of them doesn't make a move so the entire opportunity is lost. So Rule #3- Timing is everything. Don't hesitate, if you know for a fact that your crush deeply likes you, then you should immediately go up to them and just sweep them off their feet. A two person love is better than making a batch of knuckle children by yourself...
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