Big Brother

It's been a couple of months since I've last written any thoughts or emotions down. So I decided to go back and start from the Heart. And what has your heart more than Family. Anthony Brandt once said, "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." Now, as you all may know, I have an older brother, his name is Jaime. We grew up six years apart but he's been there for me since the very beginning. In fact I believe my life is in debt to him due to the fact that before I was born my parents wanted a little girl, but he said he wanted a little brother to play with. And damnit, wouldn't you know it, here I am. They say family is that one grasp in this world that you can most definitely count on and it's damn true. My brother is a mentor, an inspiration, a friend. He's the person that can help me out in any situation at any moment. Whether it comes down to girls, career, school, sex, etc. I guess I'm fortunate, I know multiple people that don't have that kind of special bond with their sibling(s) or that are the only child in their family. So I guess I just wanted to say that I'm very grateful for having an older brother, I always have been. So if you have siblings or friends that are so close that ya'll could damn well be siblings, don't let them go, because I wouldn't trade mine for anyone else in the world.

Somebody Told Me: A True Love Story Part. 2

      Back in the times of Yore, there was a being that was named a Gentleman. A gentleman was a male specimen who would act, speak, and think in a loving manner. They would do this, to attract the female species. The gentleman gene was something that every male had built into his system. The only reason the gentleman system became activated was due to the fact that when a male spoke to a female and emotions became involved the phrase, "I like you," became a giant statement. So as more and more emotions were spoken, the male species felt a sudden surge of power and lust. Now, I'm not sure of the specifics but just like the dinosaurs, the gentlemen species soon became extinct as well. Man, not knowing what to do decided that, "perhaps the females would love anger and aggression instead of compassion," and thus the asshole was born.
      Now as Part. 2 of the True Love Story comes to an end, Part. 3 will be discovering what happened during the gap of the Gentlemen Era and the Decade of the Assholes. Also, we'll discuss the word Chivalry and why and how it to has died...

Spend Some Time with Me: A True Love Story Part. 1

     You know that old rule about war, where if you don't move or make a sound, the enemy won't have a clue to your location? Well, the same rule could apply to feelings just replace war with relationships and replace enemy with the person you desire. I'm sure we've all been told before that if we don't chase the opposite sex, they'll come to us. That is very true only to a certain degree. You definitely start attracting some people but not the main person that you've had in your cross hairs. There's only a certain amount of things you can do until you seem either creepy or mean.
      Why has that become the case though? Why has it come down to using such drastic measures in order for us to be happy with a significant other? In part 2 of a True Love Story, I will be going back in time to how things used to be and why things can't be that way now...

You'll Probably Know it's You After the First Sentence

We've all put ourselves out there for someone we care deeply about. We've poured our emotions out to the point where we're damn near passing out over love-loss. Now, if you remember correctly, a couple of entries ago, I told you the story of the girl who I loved and how I let her slip away. Well, recently I showed her what I wrote and explained in full, just how I really felt about her. You know how you sometimes picture how you want a result to turn out. Well, in my eyes, I was hoping that she was going to call me up, crying and saying that she loved me in the exact same way. Then, reality hit and I remembered that she now goes to school in Rhode Island and it would be impossible for us to be together. No one likes being heartbroken, especially me, you would think that after all the times that it's happened I would be used to it. But if it wasn't meant to be, then I guess I have my answer. While I think about this loss, I can't help but feel that my heart might have a different person in mind for my Ms. Right...

Unforgettable

The Great Greek Philosopher Plato once said, " Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, and the amazement of the Gods." As my Regretful Trilogy comes to a stop, I can't help but be grateful to the fact that she wasn't around when I entered my Sorrow phase. I guess that's my fault though. I pushed everyone away even her. I betrayed her, time and time again. I remember one day in French class, she became very sad because the Seniors only had a month left before they all graduated. So I told her, "Don't worry I'm gonna be around all the time, you'll still have me, I won't be at this school, but I'll be in the area." She replied with a simple yet very powerful, "No, you won't." It's true, I never once showed up to say hi, or take her somewhere. I betrayed her, I didn't keep my promise, I acted like a total ass. I do wonder however, If I would've kept my promise, If I would've told her how I really felt after my dad died, would my life have become such a complete downward spiral? So, a couple of days ago we talked and she wished me a happy birthday and it was right then and there, that I realized how badly I screwed everything up between us.
   You know they say, "Good things are hard to come by." Well she was my best thing, it's weird but when we were talking back in high school, I felt unbeatable like no one could touch me because I had her by my side. And I blew it, which pretty much explains why I haven't tried contacting her until just recently. I was ashamed of myself. I mean her feelings towards me, are probably of a really good friend whose gone missing in action. If that's the case, then how come my feelings for her still continue to be those of someone I know I could have a future with. She's starting to be in everyone of my dreams just like when we were talking. Talking to her for that split second, reminded me of everything that I loved about her. The funny thing being that I know for a fact that she'll read this, well because I'm going to send it to her. If she were able to see into my mind and swim around in my thoughts, she'd see that I literally picked out each and every event of our future, down to what our living room would look like. Now, some people may think I'm crazy and they might be right but to me it's just love. She's the first girl that I've fallen this hard for, and I guess I fell so hard that I haven't been able to get back up. The sad thing is, is that if you looked through my eyes and you saw her, you'd be able to see us sharing a lifetime together. I wonder what I would see if I looked at myself, through her eyes...

The Longest Text Message

So question, have you ever been so caught up in the moment that you accidentally say the worst possible thing to say and then you piss off the girl of your dreams? Well I did that a lot, we always had talks about our future and what would happen after I left for college. And right when I had her blushing and dreaming of what could be, my ass just comes out of nowhere with a stupid comment and bang, ruins the whole conversation. Now ladies and gentleman, I am not perfect, hell nobody is, but come on. Everyone knows that you don't open your mouth when the mood is right where you want it to be. So skipping ahead to February 7th. I get a call at around 2: 17 a.m., telling me to pack my bags because I'm headed to Nicaragua. So I'm packed up and pretty scared and confused, when I decide to text her about whats happening. She immediately calls me and we talk for a couple of minutes. I tell her I love her, that no matter what happens that I'm thankful she's in my life.
  After a couple of days in Nicaragua, I'm able to text her with the news that my dad has gone to a better place. She replied with ," Oh Richard." It's weird isn't it, I'm sometimes able to sense the emotions behind a text and I can't help but feel that she was crying for me during all this. So I tell her, "Yea sunshine, and I know he would've loved to meet you." Which is true, I remember showing my dad her picture one day and he told me that she was gorgeous and that I should treat her well. When I get to school, a couple of days later, I see her waiting for me outside of one of her classes, we talked for a little bit and then she went into the classroom. Now to this day, this would have to be on my top 5 list of things I regret the most. Instead of just talking to her, I should've hugged her and never let her go. I should've told her how much I needed her, how much I loved her, and how without her, I don't know how I would be able to survive whatever happens to me. But it's a funny thing, just like in an argument, you don't think of the perfect thing to say until about a day or so later. In Part: 3 or the Finale of my Regretful Trilogy, we will find out. How I lost her, How I betrayed her, and How now, I can't stop thinking about her...

Love Causes the Same Chemical Reaction in the Brain as Insanity

Someone once said, "To regret something is to hang yourself with your own noose. Mental suicide." These past couple of days, due to my birthday, have been filled with a lot of thinking about my past. Regret is something that no one can ignore. We always tend to regret even the smallest of things. For instance, maybe you wanted to take a class one year but couldn't or maybe you regret saying "this" instead of saying "that." So, during my senior year of high school, I started talking to this girl in my French class. She was a big cutie, so of course I was attracted to her but if I would've known just how head over heels I would fall for her, then I would've been able to prepare for what was in store. So when we first started talking, she kept telling me about this boy problem that she was dealing with. So being the nice guy that I am, I helped her out and gave her a couple of tips.
     So after a couple of days of talking, I started falling for her. And if there is one thing you must know about me, it's that if I fall for someone then I fall HARD! So as the days passed, my crush on her just got bigger and bigger until I couldn't help myself and I told her what the deal was. To my surprise, I learned that she too had a crush on me. So come time that Monday, when French class came around, guess who couldn't help but keep smiling the whole damn time. We even went as far as sitting next to each other while doing a group activity and kept just playfully messing with each other. Now as Sebastian the crab once said, "She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her..." Considering, we've both been hurt in the past by past crushes, we didn't want to jinx anything. So that Christmas, we decided that we would buy each other something and then we would hang out one day at my house and exchange gifts while watching her favorite movie, The Little Mermaid. That day never came however, so the time that we had that could have made the deal for us to become a couple never happened. So as part: 1 of my story comes to a conclusion, be aware that when part: 2 comes into play, we'll get to see how after the death of my dad, I messed up what could have ultimately saved my life...

You Never Gave Me Any Sign

First off,
     Relationships are complete bullshit. We all think we want something when in reality, we don't know jackshit. Girls say they want a sweet and wholesome guy and yet they go out with the dickhead who wouldn't even give it a second thought to treat her to a little "Chris Brown" snack. Guys say they want a good girl, a girl who can be trusted and won't sleep around, yet they automatically go for the dirtiest, nastiest chick out in the wild. So Rule #1- If you think you found your ideal partner, the person that would be willing to do anything for you within the drop of a hat, your more confused than you give yourself credit for. Like Eddie Murphy once said, "Everyone has a skeleton in their closet, hell some people might even have cemeteries in there."
Secondly,
   Guidance is key. Usually once someone is fed up with letting their hormones take control of their lives, they say the one thing that everyone eventually says, "I'll just let them come to me." Now in reality this could work both ways, or at least in my experience that's how it's worked. When you take a halt in the race of love, you tend to find yourself more aware of your surroundings. You seem to become more attractive to the opposite sex because you are no longer acting like a lost puppy. But at the same time, If you thought you were lonely while you were chasing someone down, then when your attempting to let them come to you, you will feel incredibly alone. Rule #2- Follow your body, if your soul/gut/heart tell you to stop searching and take a rest, then by all means chill-out. But if on the other hand it tells you to search twice as hard, then your ass better get a map, a compass, and start asking for directions just in case.
Lastly,
   Feelings will always play a key role in the decision making. When you like someone, you automatically must know if they like you because if their feelings aren't the same as your feelings then the only one you'll be feeling is yourself. In other words, don't throw your heart into the spike pit unless you know someone is willing to catch it. It happens all the time where two people like each other but one of them doesn't make a move so the entire opportunity is lost. So Rule #3- Timing is everything. Don't hesitate, if you know for a fact that your crush deeply likes you, then you should immediately go up to them and just sweep them off their feet. A two person love is better than making a batch of knuckle children by yourself...

Welcome to my Asylum

          A question for my readers, Whenever you tell someone that you like them/love them, do you think about them the 24 hours in a day? It's a weird feeling isn't it, you tend to think about that person non-stop. Wondering what they're doing, whether or not they're thinking about you and the majority of the time they're not. I guess unless that person tells you that they like you first, in reality they have no feelings towards you. It's a weird and unpredictable way of thinking about it but if you ponder the thought, it's true. Guys, you tell a girl you like them. What do they do? "Aw that's so sweet, listen I love spending time with you but I don't want to jeopardize anything." Girls, you tell a guy you like them. And they lead you on, while behind your back they're most likely banging your best friend, her best friend and her mom. So why do we as a society tend to put our hearts out there? Is it actually to show affection or is it that we as individuals tend to do desperate shit when we feel vulnerable and lonely? But sometimes, you actually do find someone. That person that you can't even look at them without feeling butterflies. And yet, maybe its fate or witchcraft but something always gets in the way of you two being together. So you always say, "Don't worry, I'll wait for you." But as days pass by your wondering if you should really wait for them, so you start asking your friends and/or your sibling for advice. And they tell you the deal, "If the person is legit, then they are worth the wait." So I ask you this, have you ever waited for someone? Was the wait really worth it?...
      Part 2 Coming Soon...

Bullet and A Target

Why do we worship celebrities? Is it because they inspire us to show our full potential? Does it become an obsession if we literally fall in love with one? The idea is ridiculous though, why fall in love with a celebrity, you don't know anything about them. Sure you've seen them in movies, heard some of their music, read a book or a magazine article about them. Is all of this worth the love though? I mean sure we all have our little celebrity crushes, hell I have about like 20+ but still, today I came to a conclusion. I found my ideal girl in Kate Voegele. She is a singer, not very popular, hell I just found out about her from watching One Tree Hill and also my cousin has met her a couple of times. What about her has my mind spinning, what makes her different then all of my past crushes? I don't know that's the thing, she's a great singer, her personality is off the charts, she's incredibly beautiful and let's face it, she's thick in all the right places :). But if I were to come face to face with her, I'd be stuck because you never think that day is going to happen. You never think about the day you get to meet a celebrity your crazy about. But, is it really the celebrity or the idea of them? Should we aim for a target that we could actually hit? If we can't get the "celebrity" should we just settle for our own versions of them. Maybe not get Kate but get a girl with all of the amazing qualities that she possesses. Would it still be enough to satisfy our desire? To me, it wouldn't... I'd be more...

It Only Takes A Few Words...

Throughout the history of the world, there have been many phrases that we as humans use daily. No matter the place, the time, or the language. “Good Morning,” “How are you?”” Welcome” “I Love You,” etc. But to this day, none of them have struck harder than the newest one in my dictionary. It all started on the 7th of February at 2:07 a.m., I received a call from my uncle Brian telling me to shower and start packing because my brother and I were headed to Nicaragua. You see, the day before, my brother called me telling me that our father was pretty sick and that we would have to go to Nicaragua so that way we could be there when he’d recuperate. Now, I didn’t think too much of the fact that my dad was sick because my dad was a fighter and I knew that he’d just shake off whatever was making him sick. So I showered and started packing my suitcase.
My aunt Maria and cousin Jormery showed up to my house, the reason didn’t come to me, I guess for comfort. Only thing being is that they were both crying so the comfort level evaporated. Suddenly, I hear my aunt Maria burst through the front door screaming in complete and utter sadness and desperation and Jormery comes in screaming and crying and starts hugging me. At this moment, my conscious froze up and my subconscious started taking over, I was processing all of the information without fully realizing what was happening. Skipping ahead, we arrive at Miami at 8 a.m. hoping to catch the next flight to Nicaragua at 11 a.m. But luck decided to test us a little longer and moved our flight to 5 p.m., and then again until 9 p.m. So finally we arrive at Nicaragua, we meet up with Tio Casimiro at baggage claim and make a B-line for my mom. As soon as she sees my brother and myself, she grabs us both, squeezes us tight and says “Se Nos Fue Tu Papa,” translation, “Your Dad Is Gone.”

So I stop at this part of the story to ask you, my reader, a question. How do you respond to your mother telling you that your father is gone? The answer, you don’t.

During this time, my mind, my body, and my soul are all frozen. I’m caught between wanting to cry and utter confusion. So I just hug it out with ever individual person in the family. At this point, I’m pissed off at myself that I am not able to cry until one of my cousins grips my shoulder and the tears start flowing. Everyone else from Virginia gets here and the crying continues. Once we’re all settled, we all get in the cars and head to Jinotega, Nicaragua, the birth place and ultimately, the burial place of my father. Everyone from the town showed up, every relative I’ve ever met and even ones I haven’t. My brother and I both grab one of my mom’s hands and we turn the corner. In front of us lies a casket, both my brother and I stare at the person inside but we couldn’t recognize him. We knew it was our dad but it looked nothing like him. We cried as one big group for several hours, when we actually tried to get a couple of hours of sleep.
It turned into a nightmare; my grandmother had this rooster that would sing in the crack of dawn. But its song was really broken and it sounded like screams. My nightmare was my dad screaming in pain, every five minutes. Even to this day, I can hear the screams. Sunday morning came; we had a beautiful mass for my dad. Being an old friend of the family, the priest reminisces about their childhood, what they talked about, and how they were very close. Mass is long and stressful, I instantly remember the promise I made to my dad when I was only four years old. I told him that one day I would buy him a red Jeep, this thought hits
Sunday afternoon hits us just as badly as early in the morning. It was time to take my dad into the cemetery and say our final goodbyes. We stall the burial for a couple of minutes to make time for my uncle Brian. After he shows up, we say one final prayer, give him one final kiss and ease him in to his grave. Days and months have passed. It has been one entire year and two months since my father’s death. The first couple of months after his death were really hard. The rest of the months just flew by and before I knew it the year anniversary hit.
But these last few months, have been some of the most difficult I have ever been through. I was emotionally isolated from every possible person, began arguing whenever there was a family get together just to show how tough I was, and it even came to skipping school just so I could go home and sleep. The isolation happened because I know that everyone in the family is grieving about my dad, but it’s not the same. It differs in the pain that a cousin or a sister-in-law suffers then it actually being the person that raised you. Hell the day of the actual anniversary, my brother and I became completely wasted but were still somehow functional just so we couldn’t feel any pain during that day. People often say that they get stronger whenever a loved one dies. I personally felt that I was losing the battle and there was no way I could ever catch up. Also, with the continuous bad luck my family has endured over the past year, my faith in God still hasn’t rejuvenated. I guess I’m just waiting for a miracle to happen so that way I can start believing again. The dreams I’ve had about my dad were never really dreams but nightmares. I would dream that I was dying and he was calling me up to go with him only he would be crying. And if it wasn’t like that then they had to deal with him coming back from a “trip” or something. I haven’t been able to talk to him lately; it’s hard to talk to someone when you can’t get a response.
If I did I would tell him that I miss him an incredible amount. That I hope he’s ok, that I know he’s watching me. If possible, I want him to talk to me in my dreams, explain everything to me. For any person that has to grieve with the death of a parent, in my opinion it is the biggest change you could ever possibly have in your life. Cherish every moment you have with everyone you love, even if the moments aren’t all good because when you least expect it, they’re going to be taken away from you and you won’t be able to handle the pain. For instance, my father was an alcoholic; I’m not ashamed to say it. When he was pretty intoxicated, he would give us lectures on anything really and I used to hate it. Now that he’s gone I actually miss all of them, no matter how idiotic the subject was. I end with a quote from an Eskimo proverb. “Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones, pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” I’ll Always Love You Pop; I miss you more and more every day.